...mat.
I finally made it to yoga class tonight. The studio has certainly gone thru a lot of teachers since mine has been gone. The first, while she claimed that her primary practice was Sivananda, was NOT a true Sivananda teacher. She had stuff in all the wrong order and it just doesn't work that way in my mind (and come to find out, many others). I think she has been dismissed.
Since being home from the ashram, I've had command performance holiday parties on every night that yoga is offered. The new sub is good, I finally went tonight. It felt good but oh my goodness, three weeks without a structured practice really made me feel it.
I still long for the calm of my teacher. He is getting better, but still at home, healing. We've talked often. At the end tonight, I felt very connected to him. I could feel activity in my third eye....a gentle pressure that was both reassuring and tender.
Tomorrow is the Winter Solstice. The light returns. Candles are gently glowing as I write this. A sense of calm pervades. I felt very anxious going to class tonight. But now I feel a renewal beginning...
Om Shanti...
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
Ups....
...and downs.
Winter is not my favorite season. I put up with it because the rest of the year here is so glorious. So now, we have snow and ice and cruddy roads and short days. I'll perk up after the Winter Solstice, but for now, its purely the blahs.
But I push on. I haven't been to a yoga class since I got home. I do meditate and I breathe, but I've got to get back into my routine (when the roads are ok).... and I've had some good chats with my teacher. His health is improving, thankfully.
In the midst of the blahs, and out of the blue, I got an email from a former patient of mine. She came in with chronic pain which was not being dealt with... except with increasing prescriptions of narcotics. We had the long chat about long term use, and I had given her a copy of our contract for controlled substances to take home and read. She came back the next day in tears, asking to speak to me, and tearfully related that she had never been fully informed of all the side efffects and long term issues. Together, we planned a schedule to wean her off the meds, and she did it.
I've run into her from time to time... and today's email brought tears to my eyes. She is still in pain, but using medications wisely and getting the appropriate treatments. And now, after several years of living in a woman's shelter, she is on her own and teaching workshops in budgeting in the public schools. She is empowered. And she wrote to thank me for believing in her all those years ago. Now she believes it too.
So while its snowing and grey outside, a bit of sunshine arrived in my email box. I'm so very proud of her!
We never know who we touch.
Winter is not my favorite season. I put up with it because the rest of the year here is so glorious. So now, we have snow and ice and cruddy roads and short days. I'll perk up after the Winter Solstice, but for now, its purely the blahs.
But I push on. I haven't been to a yoga class since I got home. I do meditate and I breathe, but I've got to get back into my routine (when the roads are ok).... and I've had some good chats with my teacher. His health is improving, thankfully.
In the midst of the blahs, and out of the blue, I got an email from a former patient of mine. She came in with chronic pain which was not being dealt with... except with increasing prescriptions of narcotics. We had the long chat about long term use, and I had given her a copy of our contract for controlled substances to take home and read. She came back the next day in tears, asking to speak to me, and tearfully related that she had never been fully informed of all the side efffects and long term issues. Together, we planned a schedule to wean her off the meds, and she did it.
I've run into her from time to time... and today's email brought tears to my eyes. She is still in pain, but using medications wisely and getting the appropriate treatments. And now, after several years of living in a woman's shelter, she is on her own and teaching workshops in budgeting in the public schools. She is empowered. And she wrote to thank me for believing in her all those years ago. Now she believes it too.
So while its snowing and grey outside, a bit of sunshine arrived in my email box. I'm so very proud of her!
We never know who we touch.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Real Life...
...sets in.
I've been home just over a week... the ashram experience is still so very real and yet feels so very far away. My teacher is still ill, altho now we know what's up and he's getting the treatment he needs to heal. I'm so very grateful for an answer for him, and continue to hold him in my thoughts and send him healing energy every night in meditation.
Last week was a short week, with a nice 4 day Thanksgiving holiday in there. Now we count down to graduation on December 16 and all the munchkins go home for the winter break. We've nearly conquered another semester. I haven't been at a yoga class since I left the ashram, but the good news is that a new Sivananda teacher is at the studio. My yoga buddy went tonight and said it was perfect..... so I'll be back on the mat on Thursday. I miss it!
I've gotten pretty fussy about what I like and don't like in yoga classes. I love the calm and quiet of Sivananda classes. I love that the teachers don't feel like they need to fill every second with sound or idle chatter (which has been an ongong problem with some of the teachers at the current studio). I love the breathing and centering that I feel. I'm hopeful that my resolution to continue the practice will be fulfilled.
I find that my mind is quieter, even though I'm not always finding the time for formal meditation. My quiet time in the mornings is quiet and contemplative. And at night, I can clear my head and breathe before I fall asleep. Lasting lessons.
I've been home just over a week... the ashram experience is still so very real and yet feels so very far away. My teacher is still ill, altho now we know what's up and he's getting the treatment he needs to heal. I'm so very grateful for an answer for him, and continue to hold him in my thoughts and send him healing energy every night in meditation.
Last week was a short week, with a nice 4 day Thanksgiving holiday in there. Now we count down to graduation on December 16 and all the munchkins go home for the winter break. We've nearly conquered another semester. I haven't been at a yoga class since I left the ashram, but the good news is that a new Sivananda teacher is at the studio. My yoga buddy went tonight and said it was perfect..... so I'll be back on the mat on Thursday. I miss it!
I've gotten pretty fussy about what I like and don't like in yoga classes. I love the calm and quiet of Sivananda classes. I love that the teachers don't feel like they need to fill every second with sound or idle chatter (which has been an ongong problem with some of the teachers at the current studio). I love the breathing and centering that I feel. I'm hopeful that my resolution to continue the practice will be fulfilled.
I find that my mind is quieter, even though I'm not always finding the time for formal meditation. My quiet time in the mornings is quiet and contemplative. And at night, I can clear my head and breathe before I fall asleep. Lasting lessons.
\
Monday, November 21, 2011
Unpacking....
...the experience.
I rolled into my home town about 130 this afternoon, easy trip thru the desert and up the hill. A bit of rain but nothing like the torrents of last night. Grocery stop on the way into town for veggies and then pulled into the driveway. As I unpack the car and suitcases, I'm unpacking the experience as well.
This will be with me for a long time. I have no regrets at all. I was able to stay in the moment for the most part (except the Great Sock Meditation Day), and feel the feelings as they came up.
Today, there were moments of intense gratitude as the miles ticked away. I sang chants, listened to an audio book, and at times, just enjoyed the silence. The sun was warm thru the desert with clouds dancing on the horizon. The razor edged cliffs of eastern California had a dusting of snow and cloud banks nestled between.
As I crossed the river and the state line, I smiled and took a deep breath. Home. Arizona. Where the roads are in great condition and the speed limit is 75. Cruise on home. The blessed San Francisco peaks showed their wonderful silhouette against a few clouds and disappeared into a mist by the time I reached town. It was somewhere along that road, many years ago, and as I first saw them, that I clearly heard them speak: "I have everything you'll ever need." On that day, tears rolled down my cheeks as I drove, feeling that I had been touched by a very special spirit in that moment. And after many trips here, I moved here in 95 and this is home. This is where I belong.
I had a chance to talk to my teacher while I was on the road. He's still feeling poorly but has seen yet another specialist. We talked some about the ashram as well as about his health. It was reassuring to hear his voice and we all hope he comes back soon. I do miss his input and our private sessions.... maybe soon we'll get to work on headstand.
And so the laundry is going and I'm going to enjoy this last evening of vacation. Back to work in the AM, taking lessons with me.
I rolled into my home town about 130 this afternoon, easy trip thru the desert and up the hill. A bit of rain but nothing like the torrents of last night. Grocery stop on the way into town for veggies and then pulled into the driveway. As I unpack the car and suitcases, I'm unpacking the experience as well.
This will be with me for a long time. I have no regrets at all. I was able to stay in the moment for the most part (except the Great Sock Meditation Day), and feel the feelings as they came up.
Today, there were moments of intense gratitude as the miles ticked away. I sang chants, listened to an audio book, and at times, just enjoyed the silence. The sun was warm thru the desert with clouds dancing on the horizon. The razor edged cliffs of eastern California had a dusting of snow and cloud banks nestled between.
As I crossed the river and the state line, I smiled and took a deep breath. Home. Arizona. Where the roads are in great condition and the speed limit is 75. Cruise on home. The blessed San Francisco peaks showed their wonderful silhouette against a few clouds and disappeared into a mist by the time I reached town. It was somewhere along that road, many years ago, and as I first saw them, that I clearly heard them speak: "I have everything you'll ever need." On that day, tears rolled down my cheeks as I drove, feeling that I had been touched by a very special spirit in that moment. And after many trips here, I moved here in 95 and this is home. This is where I belong.
I had a chance to talk to my teacher while I was on the road. He's still feeling poorly but has seen yet another specialist. We talked some about the ashram as well as about his health. It was reassuring to hear his voice and we all hope he comes back soon. I do miss his input and our private sessions.... maybe soon we'll get to work on headstand.
And so the laundry is going and I'm going to enjoy this last evening of vacation. Back to work in the AM, taking lessons with me.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Re-entry...
... to the real world.
I'm on my way home. Left the ashram at 630 this morning in drizzling rain, which stopped when I got to the main highway. Gas and COFFEE before I hit the freeway.... and then the rain started again and continued thru most of the central valley. So it was slow trip, but time to reflect on this past week.
I'm very glad I went. My fantasies of being in a convent are now resolved, for in all honesty, I don't think I could live there full time. The peace and quiet are lovely, the schedule can be grueling, but it just doesn't feel like my environment. Of course, it brings to mind how dependent we are on the distractions of modern life to keep us from really knowing who we are inside. I drove in silence for a lot of the trip, just thinking about taking what I've learned back to my day-to-day life.
I realized that I'm probably closer to being a Buddhist than to being a Hindu. Love the chanting, and most of the philosophy, but there is something so grounding about Buddhism, something I felt missing in all the ceremonies and teachings. And the other big thing I realized was that I don't remember any of the teachings addressing a life of gratitude. For the past 5 years, I've kept a daily gratitude journal, documenting three of more things for which I'm grateful. Sometimes its a struggle... so I have to think of things, but for the most part the ideas flow. Buddhism also teaching a lot about compassion, another concept I found lacking at the ashram. The ashram is very big on service (karma yoga), but I sure didn't hear a lot about suffering, which is another big teaching in Buddhism.
I really loved the chanting... even bought the CD so I could more fully learn the words. By the last few days, I could sing the opening chant without the kirtan book. I loved the meditation and got more deeply into my own practice, and I loved the asana practice... but I remain skeptical about the underlying philosophy, hierarchy, and rules
The whole experience was love-hate-stay-run away. I had moments of pure bliss, walking down the hill from my cabin and crossing the footbridge, feeling a deep gratitude for being right where I was at the time. And moments of sheer panic of the what-did-I-get-myself-into mode. I journalled every day, pages and pages which I shared with my two best friends in daily emails.
Now I'm one night away from home... raging rain outside, I'm grateful for being parked in warm dry place, a soft bed and internet connection.
Time to ponder all of this some more.... and talk with my teacher about the total experience....
I have no regrets. I was ME all week. Not who I thought they wanted me to be.... just me. And that feels good... very very good.
I'm on my way home. Left the ashram at 630 this morning in drizzling rain, which stopped when I got to the main highway. Gas and COFFEE before I hit the freeway.... and then the rain started again and continued thru most of the central valley. So it was slow trip, but time to reflect on this past week.
I'm very glad I went. My fantasies of being in a convent are now resolved, for in all honesty, I don't think I could live there full time. The peace and quiet are lovely, the schedule can be grueling, but it just doesn't feel like my environment. Of course, it brings to mind how dependent we are on the distractions of modern life to keep us from really knowing who we are inside. I drove in silence for a lot of the trip, just thinking about taking what I've learned back to my day-to-day life.
I realized that I'm probably closer to being a Buddhist than to being a Hindu. Love the chanting, and most of the philosophy, but there is something so grounding about Buddhism, something I felt missing in all the ceremonies and teachings. And the other big thing I realized was that I don't remember any of the teachings addressing a life of gratitude. For the past 5 years, I've kept a daily gratitude journal, documenting three of more things for which I'm grateful. Sometimes its a struggle... so I have to think of things, but for the most part the ideas flow. Buddhism also teaching a lot about compassion, another concept I found lacking at the ashram. The ashram is very big on service (karma yoga), but I sure didn't hear a lot about suffering, which is another big teaching in Buddhism.
I really loved the chanting... even bought the CD so I could more fully learn the words. By the last few days, I could sing the opening chant without the kirtan book. I loved the meditation and got more deeply into my own practice, and I loved the asana practice... but I remain skeptical about the underlying philosophy, hierarchy, and rules
The whole experience was love-hate-stay-run away. I had moments of pure bliss, walking down the hill from my cabin and crossing the footbridge, feeling a deep gratitude for being right where I was at the time. And moments of sheer panic of the what-did-I-get-myself-into mode. I journalled every day, pages and pages which I shared with my two best friends in daily emails.
Now I'm one night away from home... raging rain outside, I'm grateful for being parked in warm dry place, a soft bed and internet connection.
Time to ponder all of this some more.... and talk with my teacher about the total experience....
I have no regrets. I was ME all week. Not who I thought they wanted me to be.... just me. And that feels good... very very good.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Tales of the Ashram...
...Part 2.
Well, the Beginner's Class has ended as of this afternoon. We were asked what we would take away from this experience, and while much of it was review for me, I do feel that I have more tools now to proceed with cultivating a home practice, especially while my teacher is ill.
This has not been a week of cosmic-boom-moments, but small awarenesses of what I've learned. Last night in Satsang (group meditation, chanting, and last night was Puja), I felt a new depth to my practice. As I silently chanted my friends names (see the Sock Meditation), and added D, who had open heart surgery this week, I noticed that the names got spaced further and further apart until they ceased and I was left in a quiet peaceful void where I didn't even hear my own heart beat. I just stayed with that silent stillness for a while, not even noticing that my left leg had again gone to sleep. I didn't even feel like I was sitting. Someone in the room sneezed or coughed and that jolted me back to the moment, and the pins and needles in my leg.
We have had lectures every day, today ending with positive thinking, all review after my studies with holistic nursing and with my teacher but it never hurts to hear it again.
I'm very glad that I chose the Beginner's Week, now I have a better feel for what its like in an ashram. On Monday, I wanted to run away and leave early and go home and hibernate. But as the week has progressed, I'm very glad I'm here, I will miss the people I've met, and I'd like to come back. Sort of like leaving summer camp. It seems to stretch so far in the future but yet, its gone in an instant. As my teacher would say, all is impermanent.
In less than 48 hours, I'll be back in the world. And now its time to go to yet another yoga class.....
Well, the Beginner's Class has ended as of this afternoon. We were asked what we would take away from this experience, and while much of it was review for me, I do feel that I have more tools now to proceed with cultivating a home practice, especially while my teacher is ill.
This has not been a week of cosmic-boom-moments, but small awarenesses of what I've learned. Last night in Satsang (group meditation, chanting, and last night was Puja), I felt a new depth to my practice. As I silently chanted my friends names (see the Sock Meditation), and added D, who had open heart surgery this week, I noticed that the names got spaced further and further apart until they ceased and I was left in a quiet peaceful void where I didn't even hear my own heart beat. I just stayed with that silent stillness for a while, not even noticing that my left leg had again gone to sleep. I didn't even feel like I was sitting. Someone in the room sneezed or coughed and that jolted me back to the moment, and the pins and needles in my leg.
We have had lectures every day, today ending with positive thinking, all review after my studies with holistic nursing and with my teacher but it never hurts to hear it again.
I'm very glad that I chose the Beginner's Week, now I have a better feel for what its like in an ashram. On Monday, I wanted to run away and leave early and go home and hibernate. But as the week has progressed, I'm very glad I'm here, I will miss the people I've met, and I'd like to come back. Sort of like leaving summer camp. It seems to stretch so far in the future but yet, its gone in an instant. As my teacher would say, all is impermanent.
In less than 48 hours, I'll be back in the world. And now its time to go to yet another yoga class.....
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Tales of the Ashram...
....Part 1.
It has taken some time to settle in to this very different environment. The quiet, the schedule, the food, the weather (colder than I expected).... the classes, the chanting, the staff people (not very friendly at first), the other students (interesting mix).
It has taken some time to settle in to this very different environment. The quiet, the schedule, the food, the weather (colder than I expected).... the classes, the chanting, the staff people (not very friendly at first), the other students (interesting mix).
The first morning, I woke up at 345 am. I was toasty warm on the futon with a down comforter and wide awake. But I didn’t get up. I think I finally went back to sleep about 430 and my alarm went off at 530. And back to meditation at 6 am ….. but my only thought was….
Socks. I need socks. How did I forget socks? Last night, I realized that I had only packed 3 pr of socks (What???) and cotton ones at that and its cold here and my feet are freezing. Never mind the discomfort of sitting stone still for 30 minutes of silent meditation, I hardly noticed my screaming hips, unhappy sacrum, because my feet were yelling even louder… Socks! We must have clean Socks.
I tried to focus on four friends who are all facing health challenges right now. I would start with a sweet mantra of their names and pretty soon it became M-Socks-M-Socks-J-Socks-B-Socks. My left foot fell asleep but the message still came thru.
OK, I think, during free time today, I’ll zip up to Grass Valley and get more socks… maybe that will make my mind quiet down… although I doubt it. It’s not a panic thing like forgetting an extra pair of contacts… but more practical. I thought I had brought everything I would need for a week, but I didn’t…… oh and a grocery store would be good too. I think I need prunes. You get the idea. The monkey wants prunes and socks?
This is now known as the famous Sock Meditation. And yes, I got to Grass Valley and yes, I have sufficient socks to get me home. The shopping trip also included cheese, crackers, nuts, and contraband instant coffee (no, I'm not ready to give up caffeine yet).
On the inside, I've quieted a lot. Today, Tuesday, I didn't have the wild urge to pack up and leave like I did yesterday. The outside world already seems far away. Meditation was easier tonight. I kept my mantra going until the leader began the Om's to signal the end of silent meditation. Yoga classes are good... the 4 pm is my new favorite, with rotating teachers, many of whom just graduated last week.
I decided not to fight my addiction to the computer and have been journaling at every opportunity. And sending those off to my best friends.... no TV here of course, so I'm quieter and can actually sit and type without distraction. Somehow about 4 hours of meditation and 4 hours of yoga don't seem that much now.
I'm staying thru Sunday AM. Jai Uttal will be here teaching a kirtan class and I think that is worth staying for. Read the brochure today and yep, I'm in. Easy. And they give Senior Discounts!
I'm very glad I chose a Deluxe Cabin with a private bath. No roommate. Bargain. The only way to go. Heat, shower, bed, computer, fridge, hot water pot. Day 3 begins early tomorrow. It will be over before I know it! It's all good.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Arrival...
... in paradise.
I got here about 3 pm. Winding roads the about 9 miles of beautiful country side once I left the main road. The ashram is beautiful... gently rolling hills, green green trees, a labyrinth, yellow buildings, and so quiet I can hear my own heart beat. I'm staying in a sweet cabin, I doubt I have a roommate (which is fine).... at my cell phone does not get any signal here. And that's ok. I hope to be basically unplugged this week. Internet does work.
As I drove the last 2 hrs today, I finished listening to Eat Pray Love, at least the part about India. No matter how many times I've read that book, I'm still awestruck and can only hope that this week will be as rewarding.
I got here about 3 pm. Winding roads the about 9 miles of beautiful country side once I left the main road. The ashram is beautiful... gently rolling hills, green green trees, a labyrinth, yellow buildings, and so quiet I can hear my own heart beat. I'm staying in a sweet cabin, I doubt I have a roommate (which is fine).... at my cell phone does not get any signal here. And that's ok. I hope to be basically unplugged this week. Internet does work.
As I drove the last 2 hrs today, I finished listening to Eat Pray Love, at least the part about India. No matter how many times I've read that book, I'm still awestruck and can only hope that this week will be as rewarding.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Twas the night....
before ashram and all thru the....
OK, I won't get all poetic here... Altho I have written some mean parodies to that classic tale in my day.
Tomorrow I head to the ashram. Drove from home to Fresno yesterday, 9.5 hrs, the last 3 in rain and crazy drivers. California sure does not feel like home anymore. The roads are in terrible bumpy wumpy shape, starting at the border. Hwy 99 thru the central valley is still just as congested as ever, altho driving thru orchards and farm lands is nice after the deserts of AZ. I really had a sense of just visiting here, rather than a state I called home for almost 20 years.
Part of this trip is reconnecting with some old friends, both nurses, and relishing in the friendships that deepen over the years. With both, it was like we've never been apart and we are just picking up after yesterday's conversation, when in fact, its been years. Those are good friends... no strangeness, no weirdness, just deep friendship.
I've been re-reading Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, one of my favorite books of all time. I know not everyone loved it as I did, but the story of Liz's year of travel and self discovery hit very close to home. I don't have the luxury of a publisher's advance to trek to Italy, India, and Indonesia, but that book clearly articulated so many of the struggles I have... so I was re-reading it, well, at least the part about India, before I left. I gave the book to my Fresno friend this morning... she's in a similar place and I think the metaphors within Liz's journey may bring her some reassurance. I have the book on audio, so listened to it as I came north today.
Liz's time in an ashram spoke to me on many levels, yet I'm trying to move toward my arrival tomorrow without expectations or pre-conceived notions. I really have no idea what to expect.... just trying to stay open to possibilities. My intention to find ways to more fully integrate this practice into my life, not just with classes but on a day to day focus. There is such richness to this tradition, I hope to bring home just a tiny bit! Or maybe a lot!
OK, I won't get all poetic here... Altho I have written some mean parodies to that classic tale in my day.
Tomorrow I head to the ashram. Drove from home to Fresno yesterday, 9.5 hrs, the last 3 in rain and crazy drivers. California sure does not feel like home anymore. The roads are in terrible bumpy wumpy shape, starting at the border. Hwy 99 thru the central valley is still just as congested as ever, altho driving thru orchards and farm lands is nice after the deserts of AZ. I really had a sense of just visiting here, rather than a state I called home for almost 20 years.
Part of this trip is reconnecting with some old friends, both nurses, and relishing in the friendships that deepen over the years. With both, it was like we've never been apart and we are just picking up after yesterday's conversation, when in fact, its been years. Those are good friends... no strangeness, no weirdness, just deep friendship.
I've been re-reading Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, one of my favorite books of all time. I know not everyone loved it as I did, but the story of Liz's year of travel and self discovery hit very close to home. I don't have the luxury of a publisher's advance to trek to Italy, India, and Indonesia, but that book clearly articulated so many of the struggles I have... so I was re-reading it, well, at least the part about India, before I left. I gave the book to my Fresno friend this morning... she's in a similar place and I think the metaphors within Liz's journey may bring her some reassurance. I have the book on audio, so listened to it as I came north today.
Liz's time in an ashram spoke to me on many levels, yet I'm trying to move toward my arrival tomorrow without expectations or pre-conceived notions. I really have no idea what to expect.... just trying to stay open to possibilities. My intention to find ways to more fully integrate this practice into my life, not just with classes but on a day to day focus. There is such richness to this tradition, I hope to bring home just a tiny bit! Or maybe a lot!
Thursday, November 10, 2011
The next great....
...adventure.
I'm leaving in the morning, headed west to Grass Valley and the Ashram. Other than my yoga teachers, I don't know anyone who has done a week in an ashram, and while I'm excited, I still don't know what to expect. And that's OK.
I've done a few adventures. When I was 30, I was getting a divorce and starting life as a single mom of a 2 yr old. That summer, I went to Washington State and climbed a mountain with Outward Bound. I had no idea what to expect with that trip, but after over a week of trekking with a 60 pound pack, I stood at the summit of Silver Star Mountain and lived to tell the story. It was a huge leap of faith for me at that time. And showed me that I could do just about anything I set my mind to..... it remains a peak experience (pun intended!).
And now off for a week at the ashram. The parallels are obvious. Off into the great unknown. Can I do it? What will it be like? The staff at the ashram has been so wonderful in answering my questions and aceepting my nervousness. The email last night said... "I understand your nervousness, I felt exactly the same way before I came here the first time! You are coming to a place of acceptance where you grow spiritually, physically and mentally. You made the right decision, and I congratulate you for that."
I've almost cried with each of the emails I've received.
It's sort of like climbing that mountain.... only this time, I'm Inward Bound.
I'm leaving in the morning, headed west to Grass Valley and the Ashram. Other than my yoga teachers, I don't know anyone who has done a week in an ashram, and while I'm excited, I still don't know what to expect. And that's OK.
I've done a few adventures. When I was 30, I was getting a divorce and starting life as a single mom of a 2 yr old. That summer, I went to Washington State and climbed a mountain with Outward Bound. I had no idea what to expect with that trip, but after over a week of trekking with a 60 pound pack, I stood at the summit of Silver Star Mountain and lived to tell the story. It was a huge leap of faith for me at that time. And showed me that I could do just about anything I set my mind to..... it remains a peak experience (pun intended!).
And now off for a week at the ashram. The parallels are obvious. Off into the great unknown. Can I do it? What will it be like? The staff at the ashram has been so wonderful in answering my questions and aceepting my nervousness. The email last night said... "I understand your nervousness, I felt exactly the same way before I came here the first time! You are coming to a place of acceptance where you grow spiritually, physically and mentally. You made the right decision, and I congratulate you for that."
I've almost cried with each of the emails I've received.
It's sort of like climbing that mountain.... only this time, I'm Inward Bound.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Warts and...
...all.
It's been a challenging 2 months and I haven't had the energy or ambition to do much blogging. School is in session, meaning our clinic is packed full of the "strep children" (as I call them), and work has been exhausting. There are nights that all I can manage is a bowl of soup and flopping on the couch til I head to bed.
Winter is setting in. We had about 4 inches of snow yesterday and today the skies are grey and gloomy. I'm just not a winter person and feel like moving more toward hibernation. My intense sense of well being has been replaced by fatigue and ennui.
My yoga teacher has been down with a mysterious illness that is defying both Eastern and Western treatment approaches. He has suspended his classes and our private sessions for the time being. It's a huge loss for me, and while we are staying in touch and have spent some wonderful quality time together in the past week, it's just not the same. The substitute teachers in his classes were more than disappointing. The spirit and calmness of his classes was replaced with generalized chatting and noise, so many feel they need to fill every second with sound, rather than the silence I crave and have come to find in my teacher's classes.
I had a major meltdown one night after a sub took his class. Grieving so very deeply. I am fortunate that I have dear friends to support me, but essentially, I just needed to cry for hours and even called in sick the next day to regroup and recoup.
Serendipitously, this week I leave for the Sivananda Ashram in Grass Valley CA. It took some courage to decide to go, but now I'm very grateful for the timing since I've been without my teacher for several weeks. I hope to be blogging from there so stay tuned. I'm starting with the Beginner's Course, Level 1. I'm feeling very drawn to the pure form that I've come to appreciate... I'm excited and a bit scared at the same time....
My hope is that this will be the impetus to really cultivate a personal practice that will be with me for a long time.
It's been a challenging 2 months and I haven't had the energy or ambition to do much blogging. School is in session, meaning our clinic is packed full of the "strep children" (as I call them), and work has been exhausting. There are nights that all I can manage is a bowl of soup and flopping on the couch til I head to bed.
Winter is setting in. We had about 4 inches of snow yesterday and today the skies are grey and gloomy. I'm just not a winter person and feel like moving more toward hibernation. My intense sense of well being has been replaced by fatigue and ennui.
My yoga teacher has been down with a mysterious illness that is defying both Eastern and Western treatment approaches. He has suspended his classes and our private sessions for the time being. It's a huge loss for me, and while we are staying in touch and have spent some wonderful quality time together in the past week, it's just not the same. The substitute teachers in his classes were more than disappointing. The spirit and calmness of his classes was replaced with generalized chatting and noise, so many feel they need to fill every second with sound, rather than the silence I crave and have come to find in my teacher's classes.
I had a major meltdown one night after a sub took his class. Grieving so very deeply. I am fortunate that I have dear friends to support me, but essentially, I just needed to cry for hours and even called in sick the next day to regroup and recoup.
Serendipitously, this week I leave for the Sivananda Ashram in Grass Valley CA. It took some courage to decide to go, but now I'm very grateful for the timing since I've been without my teacher for several weeks. I hope to be blogging from there so stay tuned. I'm starting with the Beginner's Course, Level 1. I'm feeling very drawn to the pure form that I've come to appreciate... I'm excited and a bit scared at the same time....
My hope is that this will be the impetus to really cultivate a personal practice that will be with me for a long time.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Abundance...
...on the mat.
I love the Sunday morning classes. The teacher is graceful, detailed, kind, and has the sweetest energy around her. We've been focusing on each chakra for the past 6 weeks, and today was the final installment, the crown chakra. We practiced without music today, which I do like. And from the start, I was able to deeply meditate in the resting poses.
Today, as she narrated, I could feel lots of micromovements especially in my spine and hips. Lots of little adjustments were going on (of course, just seeing my chiro helps too), and I could feel my spine and neck lengthening, even in millimeters. What kept coming to my mind was abundance. Each time I'd feel a lengthening, it was about abundance. Abundance of grace, of movement, of spirit, of community.
Then we got to full wheel (backbend) at the end. OK, I admit it, I'm terrified to full wheel. At one time, many moons ago, I could do a great backbend, even from a standing position. But the years of course, take their toll. And now between wrists and neck and low back, full wheel would be nice but.....
I suddenly remember my father commenting that if I did a backbend every day, I'd never lose it. And although we had sort of a love/hate relationship, I have to give this one to him. I stopped doing backbends in high school.
But even that thought, and a tad of grief over this loss of mobility, did not take from the sensation of abundance that I felt on the mat this morning.
During final savasana, I truly drifted somewhere. I have no idea what the teacher said at that pont, I was totally quiet in mind and body and not even aware of the surroundings. That is abundance.
Om Shanti ....
I love the Sunday morning classes. The teacher is graceful, detailed, kind, and has the sweetest energy around her. We've been focusing on each chakra for the past 6 weeks, and today was the final installment, the crown chakra. We practiced without music today, which I do like. And from the start, I was able to deeply meditate in the resting poses.
Today, as she narrated, I could feel lots of micromovements especially in my spine and hips. Lots of little adjustments were going on (of course, just seeing my chiro helps too), and I could feel my spine and neck lengthening, even in millimeters. What kept coming to my mind was abundance. Each time I'd feel a lengthening, it was about abundance. Abundance of grace, of movement, of spirit, of community.
Then we got to full wheel (backbend) at the end. OK, I admit it, I'm terrified to full wheel. At one time, many moons ago, I could do a great backbend, even from a standing position. But the years of course, take their toll. And now between wrists and neck and low back, full wheel would be nice but.....
I suddenly remember my father commenting that if I did a backbend every day, I'd never lose it. And although we had sort of a love/hate relationship, I have to give this one to him. I stopped doing backbends in high school.
But even that thought, and a tad of grief over this loss of mobility, did not take from the sensation of abundance that I felt on the mat this morning.
During final savasana, I truly drifted somewhere. I have no idea what the teacher said at that pont, I was totally quiet in mind and body and not even aware of the surroundings. That is abundance.
Om Shanti ....
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Lessons....
..in compassion.
This week as has been a bit of a challenge. As a family nurse practitioner, I see individuals with all sorts of acute and chronic health issues. Our clinic provides "urgent care" appointments that are designed to deal with one minor problem in a 15 minute slot. On Tuesday, a woman presented stating she only needed a blood test after being in the emergency room the day before. Of course, there was a lot more to the story.
I can't really go into details here, but suffice to say, she was a study in lack of self care. At first, I was angry with her for letting her health go to such dire extremes. Medically, I knew what I had to do, but I was letting too many emotions get in the way. I was losing my grounding... fast. So I excused myself on the pretext of checking on something and went back to my office to breathe for a short while and plan my approach. This was not going to be usual 15 minute appointment.
Becoming more grounded helped me re-prioritize and take another approach. Find out what was most important to her and see her issues thru the eyes of compassion and not judgement. We took care of the most urgent medical issues and constructed a plan for at home care. (And its working, I saw her back today and she's much improved.... not perfect but doing a lot better)
The whole situation played on my mind all day. Off to yoga after work. My teacher started class with a chant, and while I don't know which chant he used or what it meant, it touched me on many levels. Big tears ran down my face thru the whole chant and thru our breathing exercises. The thought came to my mind: If I can extend that level of compassion to this patient I've never before met, why can't I regard myself in the same way?
Whew..... and whew.
I was a tearful mess thru the whole class. Afterwards, I was able to talk to my teacher and share what had just happened. He was so supportive and calm, as he always is. And suddenly the weight lifted and has not returned. What a magnificent reminder... a sublime lesson.
Tonight was a joyful practice... not one of tears or deep pain. Just the joy of pranayama and asana.... and a peaceful compassionate heart.
This week as has been a bit of a challenge. As a family nurse practitioner, I see individuals with all sorts of acute and chronic health issues. Our clinic provides "urgent care" appointments that are designed to deal with one minor problem in a 15 minute slot. On Tuesday, a woman presented stating she only needed a blood test after being in the emergency room the day before. Of course, there was a lot more to the story.
I can't really go into details here, but suffice to say, she was a study in lack of self care. At first, I was angry with her for letting her health go to such dire extremes. Medically, I knew what I had to do, but I was letting too many emotions get in the way. I was losing my grounding... fast. So I excused myself on the pretext of checking on something and went back to my office to breathe for a short while and plan my approach. This was not going to be usual 15 minute appointment.
Becoming more grounded helped me re-prioritize and take another approach. Find out what was most important to her and see her issues thru the eyes of compassion and not judgement. We took care of the most urgent medical issues and constructed a plan for at home care. (And its working, I saw her back today and she's much improved.... not perfect but doing a lot better)
The whole situation played on my mind all day. Off to yoga after work. My teacher started class with a chant, and while I don't know which chant he used or what it meant, it touched me on many levels. Big tears ran down my face thru the whole chant and thru our breathing exercises. The thought came to my mind: If I can extend that level of compassion to this patient I've never before met, why can't I regard myself in the same way?
Whew..... and whew.
I was a tearful mess thru the whole class. Afterwards, I was able to talk to my teacher and share what had just happened. He was so supportive and calm, as he always is. And suddenly the weight lifted and has not returned. What a magnificent reminder... a sublime lesson.
Tonight was a joyful practice... not one of tears or deep pain. Just the joy of pranayama and asana.... and a peaceful compassionate heart.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
There's no place like.....
....Om.
I love the chanting of yoga classes. To sing/chant the universal sound of Om at the beginning of class signals my break from the everyday world to the domain of practice. At the end of class, Om feels like a summary, a conclusion, a completeness.
Over the past few months, I've noticed that in my usual class, the Om is slightly off key and dissonant in the beginning, but by the end the resonance is pure and consistent. I see it as the joining of energies thru the practice into one community of voice.
This article came across my consciousness this week. Good background info for a sound, a symbol that seems to be everywhere. I hear a union in Om, a blending of sound and hearts and minds. When I chant Om in class or alone, I sense a deep connection with all that is life and love and peace.
This past weekend was our annual yoga festival. I've been to the festival in the past 2 years, but have not been brave enough to actually take classes.... I just didn't feel good enough! But this year, I braved the waters and jumped in.
At first, I felt very at home and a sense of unity of purpose, but as the first day's classes proceeded, some egos started to emerge. I can recognize who I resonate with and who I don't..... and picked up some really weird vibes from some of the teachers and participants.
But what I noticed the most was the disharmony of the Oms in most of the classes. A disharmony that did not go away by the end of class. In each class, there were one or two voices that just had to be louder, or longer, or just off the mark. It was sort of ugly a few times, blatant discordance in a culture that should be (IMHO) should be directed toward similar goals. Rather than blending, they needed to stand out. And that, to me, is antithetical to all the yoga means.
This article from Elephant Journal raises some excellent questions. In spite of our shared goals, lines are being drawn. Competitions exist, hierarchy emerges. That's not why I practice.
I practice for my own health, serenity, and healing. I practice to blend my energies, my breath, my essence.
I love the chanting of yoga classes. To sing/chant the universal sound of Om at the beginning of class signals my break from the everyday world to the domain of practice. At the end of class, Om feels like a summary, a conclusion, a completeness.
Over the past few months, I've noticed that in my usual class, the Om is slightly off key and dissonant in the beginning, but by the end the resonance is pure and consistent. I see it as the joining of energies thru the practice into one community of voice.
This article came across my consciousness this week. Good background info for a sound, a symbol that seems to be everywhere. I hear a union in Om, a blending of sound and hearts and minds. When I chant Om in class or alone, I sense a deep connection with all that is life and love and peace.
This past weekend was our annual yoga festival. I've been to the festival in the past 2 years, but have not been brave enough to actually take classes.... I just didn't feel good enough! But this year, I braved the waters and jumped in.
At first, I felt very at home and a sense of unity of purpose, but as the first day's classes proceeded, some egos started to emerge. I can recognize who I resonate with and who I don't..... and picked up some really weird vibes from some of the teachers and participants.
But what I noticed the most was the disharmony of the Oms in most of the classes. A disharmony that did not go away by the end of class. In each class, there were one or two voices that just had to be louder, or longer, or just off the mark. It was sort of ugly a few times, blatant discordance in a culture that should be (IMHO) should be directed toward similar goals. Rather than blending, they needed to stand out. And that, to me, is antithetical to all the yoga means.
This article from Elephant Journal raises some excellent questions. In spite of our shared goals, lines are being drawn. Competitions exist, hierarchy emerges. That's not why I practice.
I practice for my own health, serenity, and healing. I practice to blend my energies, my breath, my essence.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
More layers...
...some above and some below.
I've been waking up early this week. Like an hour before the alarm. I've always wanted to be more of a morning person, maybe that's happening. For the last several mornings, I've gotten up and headed to a quiet room in the house to sit in meditation for a while. This is a new layer for me.... a quiet sitting meditation.
I've attempted to cultivate a meditation practice on many occasions, but somehow the discipline fails to stick for an extended period of time. I know I can quiet my mind by sewing or knitting, listening to soft music or yogic chanting, but just sitting in silence has been a challenge. I can easily slide into quiet in a yoga class, but somehow, at home, its different. My thoughts race from one thing to another rather than stillness.
I often use a mala and repeat a mantra .... that helps .... but the cultivation of true silence is still elusive. This morning, my head was swimming with the tasks of the day, problem solving, or reflecting on how stiff my knees are in the morning.
Tis the next layer to explore....
I've been waking up early this week. Like an hour before the alarm. I've always wanted to be more of a morning person, maybe that's happening. For the last several mornings, I've gotten up and headed to a quiet room in the house to sit in meditation for a while. This is a new layer for me.... a quiet sitting meditation.
I've attempted to cultivate a meditation practice on many occasions, but somehow the discipline fails to stick for an extended period of time. I know I can quiet my mind by sewing or knitting, listening to soft music or yogic chanting, but just sitting in silence has been a challenge. I can easily slide into quiet in a yoga class, but somehow, at home, its different. My thoughts race from one thing to another rather than stillness.
I often use a mala and repeat a mantra .... that helps .... but the cultivation of true silence is still elusive. This morning, my head was swimming with the tasks of the day, problem solving, or reflecting on how stiff my knees are in the morning.
Tis the next layer to explore....
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Layers....
...upon layers.
This move to the new facility has been interesting to say the least. What I've been noticing is that we can only work in layers. This has to be done before that can be done. For example, I can't finish prepping my exam rooms until the computer wall mounts are up and the computers get off the counters. The computers can't get mounted and installed until the IT guys have time and they have been busy with the servers. The printers can't be installed (also on the counter tops) til the grommets get installed. Whew. It gets confusing.
Layer upon layer.
Moving an entire university division into a new building (approved December 2007, completed [almost] July 2011) is a huge undertaking and I've had time to make sure my assignments are done, without worrying about the bigger picture at this point. I'm staying grounded for the most part, although yesterday was a harder day and I was exhausted by last night. I keep reminding myself that I'm not in charge of this or that, and letting go of the rest.
My yoga teacher is back from Peru and it was so good to see him tonight. It was an amazing class and the energy in the room was so delightful. I almost cried with pure joy several times during the class. I was in my element and found new layers there. My mind immediately quieted as class began, breathing was effortless, poses were deeper. The past 3 weeks have been time for integration and appreciation, and tonight, a joyful practice, in celebration of the sense of being home.
Om Shanti... Om.
This move to the new facility has been interesting to say the least. What I've been noticing is that we can only work in layers. This has to be done before that can be done. For example, I can't finish prepping my exam rooms until the computer wall mounts are up and the computers get off the counters. The computers can't get mounted and installed until the IT guys have time and they have been busy with the servers. The printers can't be installed (also on the counter tops) til the grommets get installed. Whew. It gets confusing.
Layer upon layer.
Moving an entire university division into a new building (approved December 2007, completed [almost] July 2011) is a huge undertaking and I've had time to make sure my assignments are done, without worrying about the bigger picture at this point. I'm staying grounded for the most part, although yesterday was a harder day and I was exhausted by last night. I keep reminding myself that I'm not in charge of this or that, and letting go of the rest.
My yoga teacher is back from Peru and it was so good to see him tonight. It was an amazing class and the energy in the room was so delightful. I almost cried with pure joy several times during the class. I was in my element and found new layers there. My mind immediately quieted as class began, breathing was effortless, poses were deeper. The past 3 weeks have been time for integration and appreciation, and tonight, a joyful practice, in celebration of the sense of being home.
Om Shanti... Om.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Going with....
...the flow.
The move is coming along. Computers are going on line (still no charting system available, maybe tomorrow), old building is almost empty (5 of my boxes are missing in action, but they will turn up), lots of shopping trips to Target (retail therapy on the clock), building issues (like who signed off on data ports with no associated power outlets?). Some tempers are short, everyone is tired. Except me.
I'm strangely invigorated by the adventure. Just going with the flow. Having my computer on line was the first blessing, I somehow didn't feel cut off from civilization. I make lists of stuff to bring and to buy, and I've been able to leave early yesterday and today.
Even the delivery of my boxes from the old building made me supremely happy today. OK, I'm weird.
On my iPod right now is The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. I think this has a lot to do with my upbeat frame of mine. Gretchen, an author and former attorney, spent a year studying and implementing a plan to increase her own happiness. Her list of Personal Commandments (on the right side of the website) immediately resonated with me. And her Secrets of Adulthood made me laugh and cry in the same 3 minutes. (Gretchen: I would add one to the Secret List: You must be present to win!)
Her insights are sound, her advice is spot on, and listening to her while I work has been a point of happiness in and of itself. I find myself nodding in agreement as she chronicles her insights from month to month.
This week's resolution on her website is to "make something by hand." As a quilter, I made stuff by hand all the time, and I reflected on how much joy (sometimes... no, often... peppered with frustration) that this avocation brings me. I made a mala for my yoga teacher before he left for Peru. For 2 hours, I sat beading and knotting and adding a prayer with each bead. Not only was I intensely happy making it, but he was so happy to receive it. It was a meditation of pure joy.
Rudyard Kipling's poem If just popped into my mind. OK, so its a little sexist (how bout adding a daughter to that last line?), but it surely resonates with my sense of going with the flow. Especially the iconic first stanzas:
If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
And I would add (paraphrasing the sage advice of my river friends):
The move is coming along. Computers are going on line (still no charting system available, maybe tomorrow), old building is almost empty (5 of my boxes are missing in action, but they will turn up), lots of shopping trips to Target (retail therapy on the clock), building issues (like who signed off on data ports with no associated power outlets?). Some tempers are short, everyone is tired. Except me.
I'm strangely invigorated by the adventure. Just going with the flow. Having my computer on line was the first blessing, I somehow didn't feel cut off from civilization. I make lists of stuff to bring and to buy, and I've been able to leave early yesterday and today.
Even the delivery of my boxes from the old building made me supremely happy today. OK, I'm weird.
On my iPod right now is The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. I think this has a lot to do with my upbeat frame of mine. Gretchen, an author and former attorney, spent a year studying and implementing a plan to increase her own happiness. Her list of Personal Commandments (on the right side of the website) immediately resonated with me. And her Secrets of Adulthood made me laugh and cry in the same 3 minutes. (Gretchen: I would add one to the Secret List: You must be present to win!)
Her insights are sound, her advice is spot on, and listening to her while I work has been a point of happiness in and of itself. I find myself nodding in agreement as she chronicles her insights from month to month.
This week's resolution on her website is to "make something by hand." As a quilter, I made stuff by hand all the time, and I reflected on how much joy (sometimes... no, often... peppered with frustration) that this avocation brings me. I made a mala for my yoga teacher before he left for Peru. For 2 hours, I sat beading and knotting and adding a prayer with each bead. Not only was I intensely happy making it, but he was so happy to receive it. It was a meditation of pure joy.
Rudyard Kipling's poem If just popped into my mind. OK, so its a little sexist (how bout adding a daughter to that last line?), but it surely resonates with my sense of going with the flow. Especially the iconic first stanzas:
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:
And I would add (paraphrasing the sage advice of my river friends):
Keep your head above water
and
your feet down stream...
and you'll get to the shore.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Be a....
...Tree.
Before he left for Peru, my teacher gave me homework, most of which I've been doing very consistently. I've been breathing, thinking, journalling, going to my yoga classes.... and being a tree.
My office is in the midst of moving from a 46 year old facility to a new building and today was the last day in the old digs. Boxes are packed, desks moving out, computers going down, the normal chaos of moving a staff of 35 people, and all the gear that goes along with a health care practice. The new building still is not ready, the punch list is miles long and by this afternoon, we still didn't have full electrical power.
At our last session, my teacher told me about this teaching from Thich Nhat Hanh... and of course, I had to find it on the internet.....
A strong emotion is like a storm. If you look at a tree in a storm, the top of the tree seems fragile, like it might break at any moment. You are afraid the storm might uproot the tree. But if you turn your attention to the trunk of the tree, you realize that its roots are deeply anchored in the ground, and you see that the tree will be able to hold.
You too are a tree. During a storm of emotion, you should not stay at the level of the head or the heart, which are like the top of the tree. You have to leave the heart, the eye of the storm and come back to the trunk of the tree. Your trunk is one centimeter below your navel. Focus there, parying attention only to the movement of your abdomen, and continue to breathe. Then you will survive the storm of strong emotion.
It is essential to understand that an emotion is merely something that arises, remains, and then goes away. A storm comes, it stays a while, and then it moves away. At the critical moment, remember that you are much more than your emotions. This is a simple thing that everybody knows, but you may need to be reminded of it: you are much more than your emotions. ~ Thich Nhat Hanh
The storm was raging around me all week... packing, trying to see students and patients, numerous people being upset for this reason or that. I was able to stay fairly focused, calm, and productive. Even our manager asked me why I looked so calm (meditating at lunch might have a lot to do with it).
The anxiety in the building got pretty thick.... but I kept focusing on being a tree. Somehow it will all work out!
Before he left for Peru, my teacher gave me homework, most of which I've been doing very consistently. I've been breathing, thinking, journalling, going to my yoga classes.... and being a tree.
My office is in the midst of moving from a 46 year old facility to a new building and today was the last day in the old digs. Boxes are packed, desks moving out, computers going down, the normal chaos of moving a staff of 35 people, and all the gear that goes along with a health care practice. The new building still is not ready, the punch list is miles long and by this afternoon, we still didn't have full electrical power.
At our last session, my teacher told me about this teaching from Thich Nhat Hanh... and of course, I had to find it on the internet.....
A strong emotion is like a storm. If you look at a tree in a storm, the top of the tree seems fragile, like it might break at any moment. You are afraid the storm might uproot the tree. But if you turn your attention to the trunk of the tree, you realize that its roots are deeply anchored in the ground, and you see that the tree will be able to hold.
You too are a tree. During a storm of emotion, you should not stay at the level of the head or the heart, which are like the top of the tree. You have to leave the heart, the eye of the storm and come back to the trunk of the tree. Your trunk is one centimeter below your navel. Focus there, parying attention only to the movement of your abdomen, and continue to breathe. Then you will survive the storm of strong emotion.
It is essential to understand that an emotion is merely something that arises, remains, and then goes away. A storm comes, it stays a while, and then it moves away. At the critical moment, remember that you are much more than your emotions. This is a simple thing that everybody knows, but you may need to be reminded of it: you are much more than your emotions. ~ Thich Nhat Hanh
The storm was raging around me all week... packing, trying to see students and patients, numerous people being upset for this reason or that. I was able to stay fairly focused, calm, and productive. Even our manager asked me why I looked so calm (meditating at lunch might have a lot to do with it).
The anxiety in the building got pretty thick.... but I kept focusing on being a tree. Somehow it will all work out!
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Guru Purnima....
...thanking the teachers.
On the full moon of July, Hindus and Buddhists celebrate Guru Purnima, the honoring of gurus and teachers. Tonight is the Full Moon, and I pause to thank my teachers. (For more information, check out Guru Purnima on good old Wikipedia!)
My current teacher is a gifted man with a pure heart. He's out of the country right now and I sincerely miss his guidance and energy. I felt an instant resonance when I met him. His classes make me work... and smile.... and I honor his presence in my life.
What makes a good yoga teacher? I'm sure every style of yoga has their own criteria... for me its more than mastery of the subject. Teaching requires a unique ability to communicate not only the poses but the spirit of yoga. There is a heart centered energy that comes with those who are truly gifted and feel yoga in their souls. I can sense it quickly and the feeling deepens with each class. I've grown in strength and endurance with my current teacher. I so look forward to his classes, especially at the end of a crazy work day. I can truly feel my body and breath change as we begin.
I've been in classes where I don't feel that connection. Tonight was one such night. The substitute was nervous, spoke in sing song rhythm and tried to teach a style she was not well acquainted with. The shift in energy was enormous. I had to come to a place where I could remove her from the equation and simply be present in my practice.
But overall, I've been so blessed with many many talented loving teachers in my yoga life. To each of them, I bow in gratitude.
From Ram Dass:
As I gazed at the full moon tonight, I sent a silent thanks to every one of my teachers. I have learned from each of you. Namaste.
On the full moon of July, Hindus and Buddhists celebrate Guru Purnima, the honoring of gurus and teachers. Tonight is the Full Moon, and I pause to thank my teachers. (For more information, check out Guru Purnima on good old Wikipedia!)
My current teacher is a gifted man with a pure heart. He's out of the country right now and I sincerely miss his guidance and energy. I felt an instant resonance when I met him. His classes make me work... and smile.... and I honor his presence in my life.
What makes a good yoga teacher? I'm sure every style of yoga has their own criteria... for me its more than mastery of the subject. Teaching requires a unique ability to communicate not only the poses but the spirit of yoga. There is a heart centered energy that comes with those who are truly gifted and feel yoga in their souls. I can sense it quickly and the feeling deepens with each class. I've grown in strength and endurance with my current teacher. I so look forward to his classes, especially at the end of a crazy work day. I can truly feel my body and breath change as we begin.
I've been in classes where I don't feel that connection. Tonight was one such night. The substitute was nervous, spoke in sing song rhythm and tried to teach a style she was not well acquainted with. The shift in energy was enormous. I had to come to a place where I could remove her from the equation and simply be present in my practice.
But overall, I've been so blessed with many many talented loving teachers in my yoga life. To each of them, I bow in gratitude.
From Ram Dass:
As I gazed at the full moon tonight, I sent a silent thanks to every one of my teachers. I have learned from each of you. Namaste.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Be the rain....
...be the rain.
The monsoons have finally arrived to nuture our dry soil and parched forests.
I've been doing private sessions with my primary yoga teacher, doing energy work and talking about yoga as life. A few weeks ago, we did my natal chart, placing the planets according to their energy. I'm strong in earth (no surprise, Capricorn with a Taurus moon), strong in fire, moderate in air, and low in water energy. So we've been working with that... related to the 3rd chakra, solar plexus, and lots of energetic stuff.
I'm not a crier generally and being able to cry in session has been a tremendous gift. It's water, he says, and my work is in letting it flow. Strengthening the water element and moving stuff through.
Tonight as we concluded our class in savasana, the rains resumed, and along with it, I heard "Be the Rain, Be the Rain...." and that was my mantra through our relaxation.
And then I cried all the way home.....
The monsoons have finally arrived to nuture our dry soil and parched forests.
I've been doing private sessions with my primary yoga teacher, doing energy work and talking about yoga as life. A few weeks ago, we did my natal chart, placing the planets according to their energy. I'm strong in earth (no surprise, Capricorn with a Taurus moon), strong in fire, moderate in air, and low in water energy. So we've been working with that... related to the 3rd chakra, solar plexus, and lots of energetic stuff.
I'm not a crier generally and being able to cry in session has been a tremendous gift. It's water, he says, and my work is in letting it flow. Strengthening the water element and moving stuff through.
Tonight as we concluded our class in savasana, the rains resumed, and along with it, I heard "Be the Rain, Be the Rain...." and that was my mantra through our relaxation.
And then I cried all the way home.....
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Moving thru....
... life. So all the international company have departed and I have a few days to reflect. I've blogged about Nathan and the stoles on my quilting blog QuiltsQuilts.
Today I should be working on a quilt, but the project has gone on for months and I've lost my enthusiasm. Instead, 3 more projects are percolating in my head and I'd rather be doing those. I will get to the most important later today.... but for now, I need to carry on and get this one completed.
The quandry is between doing what I want to do and doing what I should do! How to balance? Perhaps a healthy boundary here.... sew for a while, bead for a while, sew for a while. It's a rare Saturday with no committments. Time to find a balance and harmony between my left and right brains, and accomplish both. Wish me luck!
Today I should be working on a quilt, but the project has gone on for months and I've lost my enthusiasm. Instead, 3 more projects are percolating in my head and I'd rather be doing those. I will get to the most important later today.... but for now, I need to carry on and get this one completed.
The quandry is between doing what I want to do and doing what I should do! How to balance? Perhaps a healthy boundary here.... sew for a while, bead for a while, sew for a while. It's a rare Saturday with no committments. Time to find a balance and harmony between my left and right brains, and accomplish both. Wish me luck!
Sunday, June 26, 2011
My brother-from-another-mother-from-down-under....
.... will be here tomorrow!
In the early days of the Internet, I met Darryl on a bulletin board on alternative healing. He was doing his thesis on Reiki, as I had done mine. We conversed for years, through his graduate degree, and then in 1998, he was able to visit the US on his way from Brisbane Australia to London. We had a memorable few days of touring Northern Arizona.
One stop on that tour was the Chapel of the Holy Cross in Sedona. Outside the Chapel, and in the courtyard, is a copper statue of St. Francis and there, Darryl began his journey of religious vocation. We did not know it at the time.
Now many years later, Darryl is Brother Nathan James of the Society of St. Francis. He will be ordained as an Anglican deacon next February in Brisbane AU. We have not seen each other in 13 years, yet those years don't matter. We have become close friends of the heart and the distance does not matter. Nathan has done a far better job of telling the whole story on his blog -- but my role in his journey is just a part of it. We are headed to Sedona after he arrives in AZ tomorrow. There I will present him with his ordination stole, hand dyed and hand made with the spirit of love and friendship.
What I've learned from Nathan is that distance does not impede friendship. We are vastly different yet those differences don't seem to matter. We accept and rejoice in our similarities and our differences. I feel so very honored that he was able to squeak out a few days on US soil and share them with me!
In the early days of the Internet, I met Darryl on a bulletin board on alternative healing. He was doing his thesis on Reiki, as I had done mine. We conversed for years, through his graduate degree, and then in 1998, he was able to visit the US on his way from Brisbane Australia to London. We had a memorable few days of touring Northern Arizona.
One stop on that tour was the Chapel of the Holy Cross in Sedona. Outside the Chapel, and in the courtyard, is a copper statue of St. Francis and there, Darryl began his journey of religious vocation. We did not know it at the time.
Now many years later, Darryl is Brother Nathan James of the Society of St. Francis. He will be ordained as an Anglican deacon next February in Brisbane AU. We have not seen each other in 13 years, yet those years don't matter. We have become close friends of the heart and the distance does not matter. Nathan has done a far better job of telling the whole story on his blog -- but my role in his journey is just a part of it. We are headed to Sedona after he arrives in AZ tomorrow. There I will present him with his ordination stole, hand dyed and hand made with the spirit of love and friendship.What I've learned from Nathan is that distance does not impede friendship. We are vastly different yet those differences don't seem to matter. We accept and rejoice in our similarities and our differences. I feel so very honored that he was able to squeak out a few days on US soil and share them with me!
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Blessed Solstice....
...the turning of the wheel. The longest day of the year comes to an end. It was warm and sunny and finally felt like summer.
At yoga tonight, we set intentions for the summer and the year to come. The solstice is the perfect transition time for reclaiming and manifesting our dreams. I was talking to my teacher yesterday about bringing darkness into light, a perfect metphor for the solstice, as the days begin to subtly shift toward the darkness of winter, only to return in December.
And as we breathed our savasana tonight, the music from the hot dog stand next door permeated the studio walls. More Beatles. "Here Comes the Sun." The universe does have a sense of humor!
At yoga tonight, we set intentions for the summer and the year to come. The solstice is the perfect transition time for reclaiming and manifesting our dreams. I was talking to my teacher yesterday about bringing darkness into light, a perfect metphor for the solstice, as the days begin to subtly shift toward the darkness of winter, only to return in December.
And as we breathed our savasana tonight, the music from the hot dog stand next door permeated the studio walls. More Beatles. "Here Comes the Sun." The universe does have a sense of humor!
Monday, June 20, 2011
Forty Years....
...ago I graduated from nursing school. From an early age on, all I wanted to be was a nurse. Now this isn't surprising considering I'm the only child of a dysfunctional family and most nurses are... but there was a sense of romance to that white cap and starched white uniform... and sense of service that I didn't understand at the time. Medical stuff fascinated me. I read everything I could from the World Book Encyclopedia, Cherry Ames books, and the Red Cross First Aid and Home Nursing Manuals.My parents told me they would pay for four years of college. Get it done was the message. And I did. It was Father's Day, 1971, at some unremembered church in Madison WI, where I received my pin and diploma. I said to my dad, "Happy Father's Day, No More Tuition...." (it was Father's Day...). It was one of the few times I remember his saying "I'm proud of you."
One nursing school experience stands out as I look at my 40 yr old diploma (which I dug out of storage)..... Alice S was the director of the school, an elderly nurse who put her white starch above her practice. She was all about appearances and rules and not necessarily about nursing practice. She was very old school. At one point we had a disagreement about my prior completion of a nursing history class before I entered her program. She maintained that I had to take HER course, I countered that I had already completed that curriculum and should not have to repeat it. I presented the syllabus from my university class which almost matched hers, and my copy of my transcript showing an "A" in the class. She was so affronted that she told me I'd (a) never finish HER program (b) never be a good nurse, (c) never pass my boards and/or (d)wash out in my first year. I did not have to take her class in the end, she acquiesced when I told her I'd let the faculty chair decide. I think I took her insults as a challenge and finished the program with great grades and passed my boards on the first try.
Forty years later, that fire is still there. Not only did I finish the program, continue a career, but added a bachelor's and master's degrees (as a nurse practitioner) in nursing on top of it. So there. I'm a good nurse, I still like being a nurse. Those letters, RN, after my name still mean something to me. I celebrate my profession (even though I haven't worn whites or a cap in a long long time).... I'm still here, 40 years of continuous licensing and practice. The journey continues.....
Sunday, June 19, 2011
One Inch....
...at a time. Part 2.
Sunday morning yoga class.... Our teacher always does a stellar meditation at the beginning and today we focused on the root chakra, Muldahara, the four petaled lotus at the base of the spine. For me, the root chakra is always about grounding and being in my body (since I'm often in my head!). She also asked us to set an intention for our practice.
My intention, which often becomes my mantra for the day, is often "One Inch at a Time." I have to remember ahimsa, the first yama of yoga. It means "do no harm" to ourselves or others. To me it means remembering that my body doesn't always want to go where my mind wants it to go. And after 75 minutes of yoga, there are muscles screaming!
I remembered today some of the things I love about yoga. The slow stretches, the focused breathing to support the poses. I feel micro movements, subtle adjustments, and lengthening in poses. Sometimes I feel a strength coming up from my toes to hold an asana. My intention is always to go just an inch further or a few seconds longer.... sometimes I do, sometimes I can't.
There are good yoga days and not so good yoga days. Today was a good one.
Sunday morning yoga class.... Our teacher always does a stellar meditation at the beginning and today we focused on the root chakra, Muldahara, the four petaled lotus at the base of the spine. For me, the root chakra is always about grounding and being in my body (since I'm often in my head!). She also asked us to set an intention for our practice.
My intention, which often becomes my mantra for the day, is often "One Inch at a Time." I have to remember ahimsa, the first yama of yoga. It means "do no harm" to ourselves or others. To me it means remembering that my body doesn't always want to go where my mind wants it to go. And after 75 minutes of yoga, there are muscles screaming!
I remembered today some of the things I love about yoga. The slow stretches, the focused breathing to support the poses. I feel micro movements, subtle adjustments, and lengthening in poses. Sometimes I feel a strength coming up from my toes to hold an asana. My intention is always to go just an inch further or a few seconds longer.... sometimes I do, sometimes I can't.
There are good yoga days and not so good yoga days. Today was a good one.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Moving on....
....letting go.
Someone from my past died this week. My reaction was not one of grief but one of release. As far as I know she did not suffer from any devastating illness or terminal physical disease. My sense is that she needed to let go of all the ill-considered decisions she had made in her life and the suffering she had caused for other people. From my vantage point, I saw her as someone who could not embrace her own essence. She always had to be right. And she was skilled at manipulating circumstances so she felt she was right. And she was very good at it.
I think she found herself in an intolerable situation with a business that was failing, a reputation that had declined significantly. She was not someone who could "cut her losses and move on." She was defeated on all levels. I feel compassion for her family, now left without a mother, wife, and aunt. And for those who will have to shoulder the responsibilities of cleaning up what is left.
Indeed, she had both a positive and negative impact on my life. I thank her for her gifts and forgive her for the wounds she tried to inflict. This does not feel like a major loss to me right now. When our friendship/business relationship ended in 2006, I grieved the loss of a dream of what could have been. I moved on. It was time.
How does one's spirit become so damanged that life cannot go on? Is it possible that this was her final choice? Or that her karma has directed her into other lessons?
Peace......
Someone from my past died this week. My reaction was not one of grief but one of release. As far as I know she did not suffer from any devastating illness or terminal physical disease. My sense is that she needed to let go of all the ill-considered decisions she had made in her life and the suffering she had caused for other people. From my vantage point, I saw her as someone who could not embrace her own essence. She always had to be right. And she was skilled at manipulating circumstances so she felt she was right. And she was very good at it.
I think she found herself in an intolerable situation with a business that was failing, a reputation that had declined significantly. She was not someone who could "cut her losses and move on." She was defeated on all levels. I feel compassion for her family, now left without a mother, wife, and aunt. And for those who will have to shoulder the responsibilities of cleaning up what is left.
Indeed, she had both a positive and negative impact on my life. I thank her for her gifts and forgive her for the wounds she tried to inflict. This does not feel like a major loss to me right now. When our friendship/business relationship ended in 2006, I grieved the loss of a dream of what could have been. I moved on. It was time.
How does one's spirit become so damanged that life cannot go on? Is it possible that this was her final choice? Or that her karma has directed her into other lessons?
Peace......
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Lunar Eclipse.....
.... sunshine and shadow.Today, Google has had a live feed of the lunar eclipse. It sort of sounds crazy, but watching the live feed from Dubai was fascinating. The earth moved from the left upper portion of the moon, across the surface, almost diagnonally, and past the lower edge. As I watched, only half listening to the commentator, I was taken by how vast our universe really is.... and how much we are a part of that greater whole.
It was the interplay of light and shadow that held my attention. Light, shadow, and darkness are all part of the same continum, not separate entities as some would imagine. As the earth moved over the moon, the color changed from bright white to pink and orange and finally blood orange during the full eclipse. And as the shadow moved, the opposite side of the moon began to lighten in color and finally returned to the bright white full moon we all know.
I've been talking with my teacher about shadowy stuff. I'm still me. But sometimes the shadow, the stuff I don't like about myself, passes by, obscuring my light and placing me in partial darkness. But like the eclipse, the shadow passes and I'm still me on the other side. And still part of that greater whole.
Om Shanti.....
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Bliss and...
.. the Beginner's Mind.
At the beginning of this morning's class, our teacher read a poem about having a "Beginner's Mind." I didn't catch the author but the notions of openness and curiosity stuck with me through practice. So of course, I had to look it up when I got home.
Shoshin is a Zen concept of genuine openness and eagerness and with the lack of preconceptions when approaching a subject even on an advanced level. I thought back to when my son started to read and a new world suddenly opened to him. His eyes would grow large and bright as he sounded out words and phrases. He would laugh as new words tumbled out of his mouth. Wide eyed wonder and awe.
As I'm re-establishing my yoga practice, I'm finding the same sense of delight and awe. I can feel micro changes and adjustments in my body, subtle lengthening and softening. Smiles bubble up from deep inside. Mind quiets. Focus deepens.
May I never lose that sense of wonder...
At the beginning of this morning's class, our teacher read a poem about having a "Beginner's Mind." I didn't catch the author but the notions of openness and curiosity stuck with me through practice. So of course, I had to look it up when I got home.
Shoshin is a Zen concept of genuine openness and eagerness and with the lack of preconceptions when approaching a subject even on an advanced level. I thought back to when my son started to read and a new world suddenly opened to him. His eyes would grow large and bright as he sounded out words and phrases. He would laugh as new words tumbled out of his mouth. Wide eyed wonder and awe.
As I'm re-establishing my yoga practice, I'm finding the same sense of delight and awe. I can feel micro changes and adjustments in my body, subtle lengthening and softening. Smiles bubble up from deep inside. Mind quiets. Focus deepens.
May I never lose that sense of wonder...
Thursday, June 9, 2011
One inch....
... at a time.
I am so totally committed to my yoga brain now. Every time I put my face on the mat, something inside smiles. Sivananda classes were new to me two months ago, but now feel like welcoming an old friend on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I feel a resonance with my teacher that I haven't experienced with very many people. As we breathe kapalbhati kriya, I sense the energy moving into my limbs, as if I'm enfolded in a soft white cocoon. It takes focus. Yet I feel totally relaxed between rounds.
My stretches have moved forward. One pose surprised me tonight. I moved into it easily and further than I've been for several years. Oh, how did I get THERE? One inch at a time. My endurance has improved in a few short weeks.
Other more subtle changes are happening, almost organically. I have no taste for meat, and am moving toward a more vegetarian diet all the time. I walk past the meat counter at the supermarket and can hardly look at the red meat. I shop on the perimeter of the store where the fresh stuff is! I'm experimenting with a friend to find new vegetarian recipes. We share dinner once a week. Some recipes are great, others are not so great.
My boundaries are getting clearer. I heard from a long-ago friend today. She wanted to move here from the east coast so I could help her recover from a drug addiction. I had to say no. I feel for her, she sounded quite lost. But I also knew that this is not my professional field and that such a move for her would be disastrous for both of us. Moving will not solve her issues. I gently inquired about local services and supported her re-joining a 12 Step program. She had excuses for everything and why things don't work. I wish her well and a path she can follow. It's one inch at a time for her as well. What I can do is offer her compassion but not take on her energy.
Lokah Samasta Sukhino Bhavantu: May all beings everywhere be happy and free and may the thoughts and actions of our lives contribute to that happiness and that freedom for ALL living things. Namaste.
I am so totally committed to my yoga brain now. Every time I put my face on the mat, something inside smiles. Sivananda classes were new to me two months ago, but now feel like welcoming an old friend on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I feel a resonance with my teacher that I haven't experienced with very many people. As we breathe kapalbhati kriya, I sense the energy moving into my limbs, as if I'm enfolded in a soft white cocoon. It takes focus. Yet I feel totally relaxed between rounds.
My stretches have moved forward. One pose surprised me tonight. I moved into it easily and further than I've been for several years. Oh, how did I get THERE? One inch at a time. My endurance has improved in a few short weeks.
Other more subtle changes are happening, almost organically. I have no taste for meat, and am moving toward a more vegetarian diet all the time. I walk past the meat counter at the supermarket and can hardly look at the red meat. I shop on the perimeter of the store where the fresh stuff is! I'm experimenting with a friend to find new vegetarian recipes. We share dinner once a week. Some recipes are great, others are not so great.
My boundaries are getting clearer. I heard from a long-ago friend today. She wanted to move here from the east coast so I could help her recover from a drug addiction. I had to say no. I feel for her, she sounded quite lost. But I also knew that this is not my professional field and that such a move for her would be disastrous for both of us. Moving will not solve her issues. I gently inquired about local services and supported her re-joining a 12 Step program. She had excuses for everything and why things don't work. I wish her well and a path she can follow. It's one inch at a time for her as well. What I can do is offer her compassion but not take on her energy.
Lokah Samasta Sukhino Bhavantu: May all beings everywhere be happy and free and may the thoughts and actions of our lives contribute to that happiness and that freedom for ALL living things. Namaste.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Sermons....
... on the mat. My favorite "sermons" are the often impromptu words of wisdom spoken at the beginning of yoga classes. I have truly been blessed with the teachers who seem to know what is going on in my head and share a bit of insight that helps steer me in the right directions. Often, this is framed as setting an intention for practice, or it could a be a sutra for consideration or the sharing of an experience.
My teacher has been sharing a lot about the elements of earth, air, water, and fire in class. We did our astrological charts and added up where our planets were in relation to the elements. I was very strong in earth (Capricorn with Taurus moon, yeah, no surprise), strong in air, medium in fire and water was the weakest. So my work is in letting it all flow.
Tonight, he talked about comfort and rest and grounding and earth, which I needed after a fiery past 24 hours. And at the end of the class, the music drifting in from the hot dog place next door was the Beatles, singing Help. The words were perfect..... "Help me get my feet back on the ground....."
There are no accidents, it's all in perfect synchronicity.
My teacher has been sharing a lot about the elements of earth, air, water, and fire in class. We did our astrological charts and added up where our planets were in relation to the elements. I was very strong in earth (Capricorn with Taurus moon, yeah, no surprise), strong in air, medium in fire and water was the weakest. So my work is in letting it all flow.
Tonight, he talked about comfort and rest and grounding and earth, which I needed after a fiery past 24 hours. And at the end of the class, the music drifting in from the hot dog place next door was the Beatles, singing Help. The words were perfect..... "Help me get my feet back on the ground....."
There are no accidents, it's all in perfect synchronicity.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Some of the best advice I ever heard ……
...came from Elizabeth Gilbert, author of "Eat, Pray,Love." I devoured the book on audio, then bought it in print and have read it about 6 times. The section on India and her time at the ashram truly resonated with me (and made me want to go to India!). I loved the interaction with Richard from Texas, who seemed to be able, with all loving kindness, to call her on her stuff.
Then I caught her on Oprah and one of the pieces of advice she gave was to write down, every day, three things are grateful for, and three things we really really really want. Hmmmmm.... this could be interesting. And so I began on Winter Solstice 2007. Brand new journal, yummy gel pen. Three journals and three-and-a-half years later, I'm still at it.
Each night before I got to bed, I write down things for which I am truly grateful. Sometimes it's easy. A good day at work, connecting (really connecting) with a friend, hearing from my son, finding $5 in my jeans pocket, yoga classes, massages, that kind of things. Sometimes it's hard. When I'm not in a good place, it's difficult to find things to really feel grateful for, and often, on those nights, its' about a warm bed, a nice home, and a decent job. On those nights, it takes me a while to dig deep enough to find the genuine feeling of gratitude.
Over time, I've added other categories: things I've accomplished that day or my happiest moment of the day.
Under the really really really want heading, things have shifted. At first it was pretty mundane, and again, I had some periodic difficulty deciding what I wanted as opposed to what I needed. And then why. There's a big difference. I always want to get sleep (I can be an insomniac), lose weight, be successful at work. But I now find these entries are more in the form of supplication, expressing a desire for the health and welfare of our planet, my friends and family, or healing thoughts to those who need them.
Tonight my gratitude list will include the sensation of absolute joy I felt today while walking back to my office at lunch. I had walked to the campus library to participate in a presentation for freshman orientation with my department, and then headed off on some errands. My walk took me through a small wooded area on the edge of campus, into the shopping center and back along a wide sunny street. The sun was warm, the breeze was gentle. And bubbling came up a sense of deep seated joy and contentment. I'm feeling more and more of that now that I have my yoga brain back. I'm liking it!
Then I caught her on Oprah and one of the pieces of advice she gave was to write down, every day, three things are grateful for, and three things we really really really want. Hmmmmm.... this could be interesting. And so I began on Winter Solstice 2007. Brand new journal, yummy gel pen. Three journals and three-and-a-half years later, I'm still at it.
Each night before I got to bed, I write down things for which I am truly grateful. Sometimes it's easy. A good day at work, connecting (really connecting) with a friend, hearing from my son, finding $5 in my jeans pocket, yoga classes, massages, that kind of things. Sometimes it's hard. When I'm not in a good place, it's difficult to find things to really feel grateful for, and often, on those nights, its' about a warm bed, a nice home, and a decent job. On those nights, it takes me a while to dig deep enough to find the genuine feeling of gratitude.
Over time, I've added other categories: things I've accomplished that day or my happiest moment of the day.
Under the really really really want heading, things have shifted. At first it was pretty mundane, and again, I had some periodic difficulty deciding what I wanted as opposed to what I needed. And then why. There's a big difference. I always want to get sleep (I can be an insomniac), lose weight, be successful at work. But I now find these entries are more in the form of supplication, expressing a desire for the health and welfare of our planet, my friends and family, or healing thoughts to those who need them.
Tonight my gratitude list will include the sensation of absolute joy I felt today while walking back to my office at lunch. I had walked to the campus library to participate in a presentation for freshman orientation with my department, and then headed off on some errands. My walk took me through a small wooded area on the edge of campus, into the shopping center and back along a wide sunny street. The sun was warm, the breeze was gentle. And bubbling came up a sense of deep seated joy and contentment. I'm feeling more and more of that now that I have my yoga brain back. I'm liking it!
Thursday, June 2, 2011
I walked in....
....to my first yoga class over 12 years ago. It was at a local health club, one of those free-with-membership classes. The teacher (who I will call K1) was more of a narrator than a teacher. He didn't really teach, he just called out poses from the front of the room, rarely walking around the room to correct postures. I depended on those around me ... watching their poses and attempting to copy them. I made it through the class and something resonated with me. I liked it. I liked it a lot.
As I continued to attend K1's classes, I became more familiar with the postures and names. At first, I admit, I didn't know a down dog from a hot dog, but I persisted.
I've never been an athlete. I came from sturdy German/Scottish stock. I never really learned to run nor to enjoy it. I struggled in every gym class except swimming. Got pretty good at that. I danced for years, but didn't have a dancer's body. Too much hip. I can get flexible but never saw myself as excelling at sports, except as a spectator.
When I started yoga, I went to the club as an escape from an emotionally abusive relationship. It was better than going home. I spent hours on the treadmill or the bike, sweating like mad, but not losing any weight. Yoga classes were part of that escape.
Soon I was attending 5 or 6 classes a week. It was one time I could be in my own body, and not think about the chaos at home. I added a flow class with another teacher, K2, who actually did teach.
Finally, the abuser moved out. I kept going to yoga. Something, although I didn't know what, resonated with me. My mind would quiet, my body could be active and grow stronger, and I felt more connected to myself.
Over time, I was in and out of classes at a variety of locations from the gym to private facilities to using DVD's at home. In the past few months, I've regained my "yoga brain" through a new set of classes and instructors. And as I lay awake last night, I realized that I needed a venue to explore what I'm learning on the mat. I've come to a more spiritual dimension of yoga so the purpose of this blog is to explore those and record the realizations. Who knows where this journey will take me, but one of my life lessons is that its a journey not the end point that matters.
Om....
As I continued to attend K1's classes, I became more familiar with the postures and names. At first, I admit, I didn't know a down dog from a hot dog, but I persisted.
I've never been an athlete. I came from sturdy German/Scottish stock. I never really learned to run nor to enjoy it. I struggled in every gym class except swimming. Got pretty good at that. I danced for years, but didn't have a dancer's body. Too much hip. I can get flexible but never saw myself as excelling at sports, except as a spectator.
When I started yoga, I went to the club as an escape from an emotionally abusive relationship. It was better than going home. I spent hours on the treadmill or the bike, sweating like mad, but not losing any weight. Yoga classes were part of that escape.
Soon I was attending 5 or 6 classes a week. It was one time I could be in my own body, and not think about the chaos at home. I added a flow class with another teacher, K2, who actually did teach.
Finally, the abuser moved out. I kept going to yoga. Something, although I didn't know what, resonated with me. My mind would quiet, my body could be active and grow stronger, and I felt more connected to myself.
Over time, I was in and out of classes at a variety of locations from the gym to private facilities to using DVD's at home. In the past few months, I've regained my "yoga brain" through a new set of classes and instructors. And as I lay awake last night, I realized that I needed a venue to explore what I'm learning on the mat. I've come to a more spiritual dimension of yoga so the purpose of this blog is to explore those and record the realizations. Who knows where this journey will take me, but one of my life lessons is that its a journey not the end point that matters.
Om....
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