Re-entry...

... to the real world.

I'm on my way home.  Left the ashram at 630 this morning in drizzling rain, which stopped when I got to the main highway.  Gas and COFFEE before I hit the freeway.... and then the rain started again and continued thru most of the central valley.   So it was slow trip, but time to reflect on this past week.

I'm very glad I went.   My fantasies of being in a convent are now resolved, for in all honesty, I don't think I could live there full time.   The peace and quiet are lovely, the schedule can be grueling, but it just doesn't feel like my environment.  Of course, it brings to mind how dependent we are on the distractions of modern life to keep us from really knowing who we are inside.  I drove in silence for a lot of the trip, just thinking about taking what I've learned back to my day-to-day life.

I realized that I'm probably closer to being a Buddhist than to being a Hindu.  Love the chanting, and most of the philosophy, but there is something so grounding about Buddhism, something I felt missing in all the ceremonies and teachings.  And the other big thing I realized was that I don't remember any of the teachings addressing a life of gratitude.  For the past 5 years, I've kept a daily gratitude journal, documenting three of more things for which I'm grateful.  Sometimes its a struggle... so I have to think of things, but for the most part the ideas flow.  Buddhism also teaching a lot about compassion, another concept I found lacking at the ashram.  The ashram is very big on service (karma yoga), but I sure didn't hear a lot about suffering, which is another big teaching in Buddhism.

I really loved the chanting... even bought the CD so I could more fully learn the words.   By the last few days, I could sing the opening chant without the kirtan book.   I loved the meditation and got more deeply into my own practice, and I loved the asana practice... but I remain skeptical about the underlying philosophy, hierarchy, and rules

The whole experience was love-hate-stay-run away.  I had moments of pure bliss, walking down the hill from my cabin and crossing the footbridge, feeling a deep gratitude for being right where I was at the time.  And moments of sheer panic of the what-did-I-get-myself-into mode.  I journalled every day, pages and pages which I shared with my two best friends in daily emails.

Now I'm one night away from home... raging rain outside, I'm grateful for being parked in warm dry place, a soft bed and internet connection. 

Time to ponder all of this some more....  and talk with my teacher about the total experience....
I have no regrets.  I was ME all week.  Not who I thought they wanted me to be.... just me.  And that feels good... very very good.