My brother-from-another-mother-from-down-under....

.... will be here tomorrow!

In the early days of the Internet, I met Darryl on a bulletin board on alternative healing. He was doing his thesis on Reiki, as I had done mine. We conversed for years, through his graduate degree, and then in 1998, he was able to visit the US on his way from Brisbane Australia to London. We had a memorable few days of touring Northern Arizona.

One stop on that tour was the Chapel of the Holy Cross in Sedona. Outside the Chapel, and in the courtyard, is a copper statue of St. Francis and there, Darryl began his journey of religious vocation. We did not know it at the time.

Now many years later, Darryl is Brother Nathan James of the Society of St. Francis. He will be ordained as an Anglican deacon next February in Brisbane AU. We have not seen each other in 13 years, yet those years don't matter. We have become close friends of the heart and the distance does not matter. Nathan has done a far better job of telling the whole story on his blog -- but my role in his journey is just a part of it. We are headed to Sedona after he arrives in AZ tomorrow. There I will present him with his ordination stole, hand dyed and hand made with the spirit of love and friendship.

What I've learned from Nathan is that distance does not impede friendship. We are vastly different yet those differences don't seem to matter. We accept and rejoice in our similarities and our differences. I feel so very honored that he was able to squeak out a few days on US soil and share them with me!

Blessed Solstice....

...the turning of the wheel. The longest day of the year comes to an end. It was warm and sunny and finally felt like summer.

At yoga tonight, we set intentions for the summer and the year to come. The solstice is the perfect transition time for reclaiming and manifesting our dreams. I was talking to my teacher yesterday about bringing darkness into light, a perfect metphor for the solstice, as the days begin to subtly shift toward the darkness of winter, only to return in December.

And as we breathed our savasana tonight, the music from the hot dog stand next door permeated the studio walls. More Beatles. "Here Comes the Sun." The universe does have a sense of humor!

Forty Years....

...ago I graduated from nursing school. From an early age on, all I wanted to be was a nurse. Now this isn't surprising considering I'm the only child of a dysfunctional family and most nurses are... but there was a sense of romance to that white cap and starched white uniform... and sense of service that I didn't understand at the time. Medical stuff fascinated me. I read everything I could from the World Book Encyclopedia, Cherry Ames books, and the Red Cross First Aid and Home Nursing Manuals.

My parents told me they would pay for four years of college. Get it done was the message. And I did. It was Father's Day, 1971, at some unremembered church in Madison WI, where I received my pin and diploma. I said to my dad, "Happy Father's Day, No More Tuition...." (it was Father's Day...). It was one of the few times I remember his saying "I'm proud of you."

One nursing school experience stands out as I look at my 40 yr old diploma (which I dug out of storage)..... Alice S was the director of the school, an elderly nurse who put her white starch above her practice. She was all about appearances and rules and not necessarily about nursing practice. She was very old school. At one point we had a disagreement about my prior completion of a nursing history class before I entered her program. She maintained that I had to take HER course, I countered that I had already completed that curriculum and should not have to repeat it. I presented the syllabus from my university class which almost matched hers, and my copy of my transcript showing an "A" in the class. She was so affronted that she told me I'd (a) never finish HER program (b) never be a good nurse, (c) never pass my boards and/or (d)wash out in my first year. I did not have to take her class in the end, she acquiesced when I told her I'd let the faculty chair decide. I think I took her insults as a challenge and finished the program with great grades and passed my boards on the first try.

Forty years later, that fire is still there. Not only did I finish the program, continue a career, but added a bachelor's and master's degrees (as a nurse practitioner) in nursing on top of it. So there. I'm a good nurse, I still like being a nurse. Those letters, RN, after my name still mean something to me. I celebrate my profession (even though I haven't worn whites or a cap in a long long time).... I'm still here, 40 years of continuous licensing and practice. The journey continues.....

One Inch....

...at a time. Part 2.

Sunday morning yoga class.... Our teacher always does a stellar meditation at the beginning and today we focused on the root chakra, Muldahara, the four petaled lotus at the base of the spine. For me, the root chakra is always about grounding and being in my body (since I'm often in my head!). She also asked us to set an intention for our practice.

My intention, which often becomes my mantra for the day, is often "One Inch at a Time." I have to remember ahimsa, the first yama of yoga. It means "do no harm" to ourselves or others. To me it means remembering that my body doesn't always want to go where my mind wants it to go. And after 75 minutes of yoga, there are muscles screaming!

I remembered today some of the things I love about yoga. The slow stretches, the focused breathing to support the poses. I feel micro movements, subtle adjustments, and lengthening in poses. Sometimes I feel a strength coming up from my toes to hold an asana. My intention is always to go just an inch further or a few seconds longer.... sometimes I do, sometimes I can't.

There are good yoga days and not so good yoga days. Today was a good one.

Moving on....

....letting go.

Someone from my past died this week. My reaction was not one of grief but one of release. As far as I know she did not suffer from any devastating illness or terminal physical disease. My sense is that she needed to let go of all the ill-considered decisions she had made in her life and the suffering she had caused for other people. From my vantage point, I saw her as someone who could not embrace her own essence. She always had to be right. And she was skilled at manipulating circumstances so she felt she was right. And she was very good at it.

I think she found herself in an intolerable situation with a business that was failing, a reputation that had declined significantly. She was not someone who could "cut her losses and move on." She was defeated on all levels. I feel compassion for her family, now left without a mother, wife, and aunt. And for those who will have to shoulder the responsibilities of cleaning up what is left.

Indeed, she had both a positive and negative impact on my life. I thank her for her gifts and forgive her for the wounds she tried to inflict. This does not feel like a major loss to me right now. When our friendship/business relationship ended in 2006, I grieved the loss of a dream of what could have been. I moved on. It was time.

How does one's spirit become so damanged that life cannot go on? Is it possible that this was her final choice? Or that her karma has directed her into other lessons?

Peace......

Lunar Eclipse.....

.... sunshine and shadow.

Today, Google has had a live feed of the lunar eclipse. It sort of sounds crazy, but watching the live feed from Dubai was fascinating. The earth moved from the left upper portion of the moon, across the surface, almost diagnonally, and past the lower edge. As I watched, only half listening to the commentator, I was taken by how vast our universe really is.... and how much we are a part of that greater whole.

It was the interplay of light and shadow that held my attention. Light, shadow, and darkness are all part of the same continum, not separate entities as some would imagine. As the earth moved over the moon, the color changed from bright white to pink and orange and finally blood orange during the full eclipse. And as the shadow moved, the opposite side of the moon began to lighten in color and finally returned to the bright white full moon we all know.

I've been talking with my teacher about shadowy stuff. I'm still me. But sometimes the shadow, the stuff I don't like about myself, passes by, obscuring my light and placing me in partial darkness. But like the eclipse, the shadow passes and I'm still me on the other side. And still part of that greater whole.

Om Shanti.....

Deva Premal & Miten - Lokah Samasta

Just had to share this video......

Bliss and...

.. the Beginner's Mind.

At the beginning of this morning's class, our teacher read a poem about having a "Beginner's Mind." I didn't catch the author but the notions of openness and curiosity stuck with me through practice. So of course, I had to look it up when I got home.

Shoshin is a Zen concept of genuine openness and eagerness and with the lack of preconceptions when approaching a subject even on an advanced level. I thought back to when my son started to read and a new world suddenly opened to him. His eyes would grow large and bright as he sounded out words and phrases. He would laugh as new words tumbled out of his mouth. Wide eyed wonder and awe.

As I'm re-establishing my yoga practice, I'm finding the same sense of delight and awe. I can feel micro changes and adjustments in my body, subtle lengthening and softening. Smiles bubble up from deep inside. Mind quiets. Focus deepens.

May I never lose that sense of wonder...

One inch....

... at a time.

I am so totally committed to my yoga brain now. Every time I put my face on the mat, something inside smiles. Sivananda classes were new to me two months ago, but now feel like welcoming an old friend on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I feel a resonance with my teacher that I haven't experienced with very many people. As we breathe kapalbhati kriya, I sense the energy moving into my limbs, as if I'm enfolded in a soft white cocoon. It takes focus. Yet I feel totally relaxed between rounds.

My stretches have moved forward. One pose surprised me tonight. I moved into it easily and further than I've been for several years. Oh, how did I get THERE? One inch at a time. My endurance has improved in a few short weeks.

Other more subtle changes are happening, almost organically. I have no taste for meat, and am moving toward a more vegetarian diet all the time. I walk past the meat counter at the supermarket and can hardly look at the red meat. I shop on the perimeter of the store where the fresh stuff is! I'm experimenting with a friend to find new vegetarian recipes. We share dinner once a week. Some recipes are great, others are not so great.

My boundaries are getting clearer. I heard from a long-ago friend today. She wanted to move here from the east coast so I could help her recover from a drug addiction. I had to say no. I feel for her, she sounded quite lost. But I also knew that this is not my professional field and that such a move for her would be disastrous for both of us. Moving will not solve her issues. I gently inquired about local services and supported her re-joining a 12 Step program. She had excuses for everything and why things don't work. I wish her well and a path she can follow. It's one inch at a time for her as well. What I can do is offer her compassion but not take on her energy.

Lokah Samasta Sukhino Bhavantu: May all beings everywhere be happy and free and may the thoughts and actions of our lives contribute to that happiness and that freedom for ALL living things. Namaste.

Sermons....

... on the mat. My favorite "sermons" are the often impromptu words of wisdom spoken at the beginning of yoga classes. I have truly been blessed with the teachers who seem to know what is going on in my head and share a bit of insight that helps steer me in the right directions. Often, this is framed as setting an intention for practice, or it could a be a sutra for consideration or the sharing of an experience.

My teacher has been sharing a lot about the elements of earth, air, water, and fire in class. We did our astrological charts and added up where our planets were in relation to the elements. I was very strong in earth (Capricorn with Taurus moon, yeah, no surprise), strong in air, medium in fire and water was the weakest. So my work is in letting it all flow.

Tonight, he talked about comfort and rest and grounding and earth, which I needed after a fiery past 24 hours. And at the end of the class, the music drifting in from the hot dog place next door was the Beatles, singing Help. The words were perfect..... "Help me get my feet back on the ground....."

There are no accidents, it's all in perfect synchronicity.

Some of the best advice I ever heard ……

...came from Elizabeth Gilbert, author of "Eat, Pray,Love." I devoured the book on audio, then bought it in print and have read it about 6 times. The section on India and her time at the ashram truly resonated with me (and made me want to go to India!). I loved the interaction with Richard from Texas, who seemed to be able, with all loving kindness, to call her on her stuff.

Then I caught her on Oprah and one of the pieces of advice she gave was to write down, every day, three things are grateful for, and three things we really really really want. Hmmmmm.... this could be interesting. And so I began on Winter Solstice 2007. Brand new journal, yummy gel pen. Three journals and three-and-a-half years later, I'm still at it.

Each night before I got to bed, I write down things for which I am truly grateful. Sometimes it's easy. A good day at work, connecting (really connecting) with a friend, hearing from my son, finding $5 in my jeans pocket, yoga classes, massages, that kind of things. Sometimes it's hard. When I'm not in a good place, it's difficult to find things to really feel grateful for, and often, on those nights, its' about a warm bed, a nice home, and a decent job. On those nights, it takes me a while to dig deep enough to find the genuine feeling of gratitude.

Over time, I've added other categories: things I've accomplished that day or my happiest moment of the day.

Under the really really really want heading, things have shifted. At first it was pretty mundane, and again, I had some periodic difficulty deciding what I wanted as opposed to what I needed. And then why. There's a big difference. I always want to get sleep (I can be an insomniac), lose weight, be successful at work. But I now find these entries are more in the form of supplication, expressing a desire for the health and welfare of our planet, my friends and family, or healing thoughts to those who need them.

Tonight my gratitude list will include the sensation of absolute joy I felt today while walking back to my office at lunch. I had walked to the campus library to participate in a presentation for freshman orientation with my department, and then headed off on some errands. My walk took me through a small wooded area on the edge of campus, into the shopping center and back along a wide sunny street. The sun was warm, the breeze was gentle. And bubbling came up a sense of deep seated joy and contentment. I'm feeling more and more of that now that I have my yoga brain back. I'm liking it!

I walked in....

....to my first yoga class over 12 years ago. It was at a local health club, one of those free-with-membership classes. The teacher (who I will call K1) was more of a narrator than a teacher. He didn't really teach, he just called out poses from the front of the room, rarely walking around the room to correct postures. I depended on those around me ... watching their poses and attempting to copy them. I made it through the class and something resonated with me. I liked it. I liked it a lot.

As I continued to attend K1's classes, I became more familiar with the postures and names. At first, I admit, I didn't know a down dog from a hot dog, but I persisted.

I've never been an athlete. I came from sturdy German/Scottish stock. I never really learned to run nor to enjoy it. I struggled in every gym class except swimming. Got pretty good at that. I danced for years, but didn't have a dancer's body. Too much hip. I can get flexible but never saw myself as excelling at sports, except as a spectator.

When I started yoga, I went to the club as an escape from an emotionally abusive relationship. It was better than going home. I spent hours on the treadmill or the bike, sweating like mad, but not losing any weight. Yoga classes were part of that escape.

Soon I was attending 5 or 6 classes a week. It was one time I could be in my own body, and not think about the chaos at home. I added a flow class with another teacher, K2, who actually did teach.

Finally, the abuser moved out. I kept going to yoga. Something, although I didn't know what, resonated with me. My mind would quiet, my body could be active and grow stronger, and I felt more connected to myself.

Over time, I was in and out of classes at a variety of locations from the gym to private facilities to using DVD's at home. In the past few months, I've regained my "yoga brain" through a new set of classes and instructors. And as I lay awake last night, I realized that I needed a venue to explore what I'm learning on the mat. I've come to a more spiritual dimension of yoga so the purpose of this blog is to explore those and record the realizations. Who knows where this journey will take me, but one of my life lessons is that its a journey not the end point that matters.

Om....