Real Life...

...sets in.

I've been home just over a week...  the ashram experience is still so very real and yet feels so very far away.  My teacher is still ill, altho now we know what's up and he's getting the treatment he needs to heal.  I'm so very grateful for an answer for him, and continue to hold him in my thoughts and send him healing energy every night in meditation.

Last week was a short week, with a nice 4 day Thanksgiving holiday in there.  Now we count down to graduation on December 16 and all the munchkins go home for the winter break.  We've nearly conquered another semester.  I haven't been at a yoga class since I left the ashram, but the good news is that a new Sivananda teacher is at the studio.  My yoga buddy went tonight and said it was perfect..... so I'll be back on the mat on Thursday.  I miss it!

I've gotten pretty fussy about what I like and don't like in yoga classes.  I love the calm and quiet of Sivananda classes.  I love that the teachers don't feel like they need to fill every second with sound or idle chatter (which has been an ongong problem with some of the teachers at the current studio).  I love the breathing and centering that I feel.  I'm hopeful that my resolution to continue the practice will be fulfilled. 

I find that my mind is quieter, even though I'm not always finding the time for formal meditation.   My quiet time in the mornings is quiet and contemplative.  And at night, I can clear my head and breathe before I fall asleep.  Lasting lessons.  

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Unpacking....

...the experience.

I rolled into my home town about 130 this afternoon, easy trip thru the desert and up the hill.  A bit of rain but nothing like the torrents of last night.  Grocery stop on the way into town for veggies and then pulled into the driveway.  As I unpack the car and suitcases, I'm unpacking the experience as well. 

This will be with me for a long time.  I have no regrets at all.  I was able to stay in the moment for the most part (except the Great Sock Meditation Day), and feel the feelings as they came up.

Today, there were moments of intense gratitude as the miles ticked away.  I sang chants, listened to an audio book, and at times, just enjoyed the silence.  The sun was warm thru the desert with clouds dancing on the horizon.  The razor edged cliffs of eastern California had a dusting of snow and cloud banks nestled between.  

As I crossed the river and the state line, I smiled and took a deep breath.  Home.  Arizona.  Where the roads are in great condition and the speed limit is 75.  Cruise on home.  The blessed San Francisco peaks showed their wonderful silhouette against a few clouds and disappeared into a mist by the time I reached town.  It was somewhere along that road, many years ago, and as I first saw them, that I clearly heard them speak:  "I have everything you'll ever need."  On that day, tears rolled down my cheeks as I drove, feeling that I had been touched by a very special spirit in that moment.  And after many trips here, I moved here in 95 and this is home.  This is where I belong.

I had a chance to talk to my teacher while I was on the road.  He's still feeling poorly but has seen yet another specialist.   We talked some about the ashram as well as about his health.  It was reassuring to hear his voice and we all hope he comes back soon.  I do miss his input and our private sessions.... maybe soon we'll get to work on headstand.

And so the laundry is going and I'm going to enjoy this last evening of vacation.  Back to work in the AM, taking lessons with me.

Re-entry...

... to the real world.

I'm on my way home.  Left the ashram at 630 this morning in drizzling rain, which stopped when I got to the main highway.  Gas and COFFEE before I hit the freeway.... and then the rain started again and continued thru most of the central valley.   So it was slow trip, but time to reflect on this past week.

I'm very glad I went.   My fantasies of being in a convent are now resolved, for in all honesty, I don't think I could live there full time.   The peace and quiet are lovely, the schedule can be grueling, but it just doesn't feel like my environment.  Of course, it brings to mind how dependent we are on the distractions of modern life to keep us from really knowing who we are inside.  I drove in silence for a lot of the trip, just thinking about taking what I've learned back to my day-to-day life.

I realized that I'm probably closer to being a Buddhist than to being a Hindu.  Love the chanting, and most of the philosophy, but there is something so grounding about Buddhism, something I felt missing in all the ceremonies and teachings.  And the other big thing I realized was that I don't remember any of the teachings addressing a life of gratitude.  For the past 5 years, I've kept a daily gratitude journal, documenting three of more things for which I'm grateful.  Sometimes its a struggle... so I have to think of things, but for the most part the ideas flow.  Buddhism also teaching a lot about compassion, another concept I found lacking at the ashram.  The ashram is very big on service (karma yoga), but I sure didn't hear a lot about suffering, which is another big teaching in Buddhism.

I really loved the chanting... even bought the CD so I could more fully learn the words.   By the last few days, I could sing the opening chant without the kirtan book.   I loved the meditation and got more deeply into my own practice, and I loved the asana practice... but I remain skeptical about the underlying philosophy, hierarchy, and rules

The whole experience was love-hate-stay-run away.  I had moments of pure bliss, walking down the hill from my cabin and crossing the footbridge, feeling a deep gratitude for being right where I was at the time.  And moments of sheer panic of the what-did-I-get-myself-into mode.  I journalled every day, pages and pages which I shared with my two best friends in daily emails.

Now I'm one night away from home... raging rain outside, I'm grateful for being parked in warm dry place, a soft bed and internet connection. 

Time to ponder all of this some more....  and talk with my teacher about the total experience....
I have no regrets.  I was ME all week.  Not who I thought they wanted me to be.... just me.  And that feels good... very very good.

Tales of the Ashram...

...Part 2.

Well, the Beginner's Class has ended as of this afternoon.  We were asked what we would take away from this experience, and while much of it was review for me, I do feel that I have more tools now to proceed with cultivating a home practice, especially while my teacher is ill. 

This has not been a week of cosmic-boom-moments, but small awarenesses of what I've learned.  Last night in Satsang (group meditation, chanting, and last night was Puja), I felt a new depth to my practice.  As I silently chanted my friends names (see the Sock Meditation), and added D, who had open heart surgery this week, I noticed that the names got spaced further and further apart until they ceased and I was left in a quiet peaceful void where I didn't even hear my own heart beat.  I just stayed with that silent stillness for a while, not even noticing that my left leg had again gone to sleep.  I didn't even feel like I was sitting.  Someone in the room sneezed or coughed and that jolted me back to the moment, and the pins and needles in my leg.

We have had lectures every day, today ending with positive thinking, all review after my studies with holistic nursing and with my teacher but it never hurts to hear it again. 

I'm very glad that I chose the Beginner's Week, now I have a better feel for what its like in an ashram.  On Monday, I wanted to run away and leave early and go home and hibernate.  But as the week has progressed, I'm very glad I'm here, I will miss the people I've met, and I'd like to come back.  Sort of like leaving summer camp.  It seems to stretch so far in the future but yet, its gone in an instant.  As my teacher would say, all is impermanent.

In less than 48 hours, I'll be back in the world.  And now its time to go to yet another yoga class.....   

Tales of the Ashram...

....Part 1.

It has taken some time to settle in to this very different environment.  The quiet, the schedule, the food, the weather (colder than I expected)....  the classes, the chanting, the staff people (not very friendly at first), the other students (interesting mix).

The first morning, I woke up at 345 am.   I was toasty warm on the futon with a down comforter and wide awake.   But I didn’t get up.   I think I finally went back to sleep about 430 and my alarm went off at 530.  And back to meditation at 6 am  …..   but my only thought was….

Socks.  I need socks.  How did I forget socks?  Last night, I realized that I had only packed 3 pr of socks (What???) and cotton ones at that and its cold here and my feet are freezing.  Never mind the discomfort of sitting stone still for 30 minutes of silent meditation, I hardly noticed my screaming hips, unhappy sacrum, because my feet were yelling even louder… Socks!  We must have clean Socks. 

I tried to focus on four friends who are all facing health challenges right now.  I would start with a sweet mantra of their names and pretty soon it became M-Socks-M-Socks-J-Socks-B-Socks.   My left foot fell asleep but the message still came thru.  

OK, I think, during free time today, I’ll zip up to Grass Valley and get more socks… maybe that will make my mind quiet down… although I doubt it.  It’s not a panic thing like forgetting an extra pair of contacts… but more practical.  I thought I had brought everything I would need for a week, but I didn’t……  oh and a grocery store would be good too.  I think I need prunes.  You get the idea.  The monkey wants prunes and socks?

This is now known as the famous Sock Meditation.  And yes, I got to Grass Valley and yes, I have sufficient socks to get me home.  The shopping trip also included cheese, crackers, nuts, and contraband instant coffee (no, I'm not ready to give up caffeine yet).

On the inside, I've quieted a lot.  Today, Tuesday, I didn't have the wild urge to pack up and leave like I did yesterday.  The outside world already seems far away.  Meditation was easier tonight.  I kept my mantra going until the leader began the Om's to signal the end of silent meditation.  Yoga classes are good... the 4 pm is my new favorite, with rotating teachers, many of whom just graduated last week.

I decided not to fight my addiction to the computer and have been journaling at every opportunity.  And sending those off to my best friends....  no TV here of course, so I'm quieter and can actually sit and type without distraction.   Somehow about 4 hours of meditation and 4 hours of yoga don't seem that much now.  

I'm staying thru Sunday AM.  Jai Uttal will be here teaching a kirtan class and I think that is worth staying for.  Read the brochure today and yep, I'm in.   Easy.  And they give Senior Discounts! 

I'm very glad I chose a Deluxe Cabin with a private bath.  No roommate.   Bargain.  The only way to go.  Heat, shower, bed, computer, fridge, hot water pot.   Day 3 begins early tomorrow.   It will be over before I know it!   It's all good.

Arrival...

... in paradise.

I got here about 3 pm.  Winding roads the about 9 miles of beautiful country side once I left the main road.  The ashram is beautiful...  gently rolling hills, green green trees, a labyrinth, yellow buildings, and so quiet I can hear my own heart beat.  I'm staying in a sweet cabin, I doubt I have a roommate (which is fine).... at my cell phone does not get any signal here.   And that's ok.   I hope to be basically unplugged this week.  Internet does work.

As I drove the last 2 hrs today, I finished listening to Eat Pray Love, at least the part about India.  No matter how many times I've read that book, I'm still awestruck and can only hope that this week will be as rewarding.

Twas the night....

before ashram and all thru the....

OK, I won't get all poetic here... Altho I have written some mean parodies to that classic tale in my day.

Tomorrow I head to the ashram.  Drove from home to Fresno yesterday, 9.5 hrs, the last 3 in rain and crazy drivers.   California sure does not feel like home anymore.   The roads are in terrible bumpy wumpy shape, starting at the border.   Hwy 99 thru the central valley is still just as congested as ever, altho driving thru orchards and farm lands is nice after the deserts of AZ.  I really had a sense of just visiting here, rather than a state I called home for almost 20 years.  

Part of this trip is reconnecting with some old friends, both nurses, and relishing in the friendships that deepen over the years.  With both, it was like we've never been apart and we are just picking up after yesterday's conversation, when in fact, its been years.   Those are good friends... no strangeness, no weirdness, just deep friendship.

I've been re-reading Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, one of my favorite books of all time.  I know not everyone loved it as I did, but the story of Liz's year of travel and self discovery hit very close to home.  I don't have the luxury of a publisher's advance to trek to Italy, India, and Indonesia, but that book clearly articulated so many of the struggles I have...  so I was re-reading it, well, at least the part about India, before I left.  I gave the book to my Fresno friend this morning... she's in a similar place and I think the metaphors within Liz's journey may bring her some reassurance.   I have the book on audio, so listened to it as I came north today.

Liz's time in an ashram spoke to me on many levels, yet I'm trying to move toward my arrival tomorrow without expectations or pre-conceived notions.  I really have no idea what to expect....  just trying to stay open to possibilities.   My intention to find ways to more fully integrate this practice into my life, not just with classes but on a day to day focus.  There is such richness to this tradition, I hope to bring home just a tiny bit!  Or maybe a lot!

The next great....

...adventure.


I'm leaving in the morning, headed west to Grass Valley and the Ashram.  Other than my yoga teachers, I don't know anyone who has done a week in an ashram, and while I'm excited, I still don't know what to expect.  And that's OK.

I've done a few adventures.   When I was 30, I was getting a divorce and starting life as a single mom of a 2 yr old.   That summer, I went to Washington State and climbed a mountain with Outward Bound.   I had no idea what to expect with that trip, but after over a week of trekking with a 60 pound pack, I stood at the summit of Silver Star Mountain and lived to tell the story.  It was a huge leap of faith for me at that time.  And showed me that I could do just about anything I set my mind to.....   it remains a peak experience (pun intended!).

And now off for a week at the ashram.  The parallels are obvious.   Off into the great unknown.  Can I do it?  What will it be like?  The staff at the ashram has been so wonderful in answering my questions and aceepting my nervousness.   The email last night said... "I understand your nervousness, I felt exactly the same way before I came here the first time! You are coming to a place of acceptance where you grow spiritually, physically and mentally. You made the right decision, and I congratulate you for that."

I've almost cried with each of the emails I've received.

It's sort of like climbing that mountain.... only this time, I'm Inward Bound.

Warts and...

...all.

It's been a challenging 2 months and I haven't had the energy or ambition to do much blogging.  School is in session, meaning our clinic is packed full of the "strep children" (as I call them), and work has been exhausting.   There are nights that all I can manage is a bowl of soup and flopping on the couch til I head to bed.

Winter is setting in.  We had about 4 inches of snow yesterday and today the skies are grey and gloomy.  I'm just not a winter person and feel like moving more toward hibernation.  My intense sense of well being has been replaced by fatigue and ennui.

My yoga teacher has been down with a mysterious illness that is defying both Eastern and Western treatment approaches.  He has suspended his classes and our private sessions for the time being.  It's a huge loss for me, and while we are staying in touch and have spent some wonderful quality time together in the past week, it's just not the same.  The substitute teachers in his classes were more than disappointing.  The spirit and calmness of his classes was replaced with generalized chatting and noise, so many feel they need to fill every second with sound, rather than the silence I crave and have come to find in my teacher's classes.

I had a major meltdown one night after a sub took his class.  Grieving so very deeply.   I am fortunate that I have dear friends to support me, but essentially, I just needed to cry for hours and even called in sick the next day to regroup and recoup.

Serendipitously, this week I leave for the Sivananda Ashram in Grass Valley CA.  It took some courage to decide to go, but now I'm very grateful for the timing since I've been without my teacher for several weeks.  I hope to be blogging from there so stay tuned.   I'm starting with the Beginner's Course, Level 1.  I'm feeling very drawn to the pure form that I've come to appreciate...  I'm excited and a bit scared at the same time....

My hope is that this will be the impetus to really cultivate a personal practice that will be with me for a long time.