Where were you....

...on Sept. 11, 2001?

Of course, that's the question on everyones lips today. 

As I got up this morning, I thought back to that day.  My son was active duty Air Force and stationed in Korea.  My daughter in law was asleep in the guest room, and their roommate was asleep on the living room floor.   I took my coffee to my studio to turn on local news and there was Matt Lauer with a pale face, talking about the first crash.  I awakened the sleeping ones who rapdily decided to quickly leave for their home in Phoenix, knowing that my son would call his wife as soon as he could.

We all have our remembrances of that day, that week.  It was one of those life events where we each know where we were and who we were with when we heard.  Like JFK's assassination and the Challenger explosion.  Why is it that we don't remember the good days in the same manner?  Oh we remember the births of our children, graduations, weddings, and the like.  But we don't seem to be able to capture that almost cellular memory that we possess when tragedy strikes.

I wonder about all the news coverage that ran for days after these events.  Is it necessary that we revisit the horror and allow ourselves to be re-traumatized with repeated viewings of a story that cannot possibilty have any other ending?  Yet, we were all glued to the tube as replay after replay, viewing angle over viewing angle replayed with unrelenting frequency.

I'm sure they replayed it at some point today on some news channel somewhere.  There were stories about survivors today.  I didn't watch them.  That may sound uncaring or even cynical.  But I won't allow myself to re-imbed those images.   I offer compassion for those who were lost and the families left behind.  Re-living it would not be productive for me.  Or for many others.  We won't forget this day.  We do not need to re-live it. 

Which way do I.....

..want to go?

I love this intersection.  Look closely at the traffic lights.  (Click on the photo for the bigger image) One points left, the other right, and there are enough arrows and directions to confuse the uninitiated.  But it makes me smile every time I see it.

Every moment is a choice.  That thought came to mind during my yoga practice tonight.   Each pose, each breath became a choice to remain conscious and present.  I sometimes wonder about the choices that others make (and that whole discussion could get pretty severe and depressing), but I'm reminded that I can only really consider the choices that are on my path. 

I took the day off yesterday.  After a weekend of county fair and other festivities, I needed a day to catch up and be nice to myself.  I went to my favorite teacher's yoga class, ran errands, and ended with a lunch date with a friend.  We talked a lot about meditation since we are both exploring it and delighting in the things that we are realizing through this practice.  It's a choice to seek silence, to listen deeply, and to know that all the wisdom is contained within.  I didn't believe that at first, but the more I meditate, the more I see that its true for me.

Breakfast....

...with Buddha.

I am thoroughly and un-apologetically loving this book.  Breakfast with Buddha came across my path thru my audio book service and I can't remember when I've been as enthralled with a book.

The story line is simple.  Otto Ringling, your average middle aged American man, is hoodwinked by his sister to chauffeur a Rinpoche on a journey from the east coast to North Dakota, where Otto must decide what to do with his late parent's farm and estate. The two men travel across the base of the Great Lakes, and while Otto attempts to show the Rinpoche some "American Fun", Rinpoche is quietly modeling and teaching him the ways of Buddhism (altho it's never really stated as such).

The themes of mindfulness, choice, and kindness float thru the pages as the duo experiences "furniture" (miniature) golf (complete with a total know-it-all in their foursome), bowling, and a variety of non-chain eating establishments.  

At one juncture, Otto asks about the "evil" in the world.  Those who choose to rape, kill, break laws, hurt other humans, etc.  And Rinpoche explains that those downtrodden souls are in practice for their next lives.  That they are making choices on a moment to moment basis...  Otto later ponders if there are teachers or angels among us... and asks what is the cost if we choose to ignore them

I think of my teacher, back after the illness-induced hiatus, and how well we once again fused in our lessons and picked up where we left off, going deeper with each week into that realm of spirit.  What is the cost if I chose to ignore him and our discussion.  My life is indeed richer since we've worked together and I knew in that moment that I choose to listen, to absorb, to practice all that he has taught me, and to willingly seek the depths of my soul.

I finished the audio book as I came home from work tonight.  Tears streamed down my face as I listened to the final moments of the book.  Tears for Otto who has found his teacher, and who has said Yes.  And reaffirmed my quest, saying Yes as well.

Puzzle...

...pieces.

As I was driving to work this morning, I noticed how there was a literal dance of cars on the main drag.  There was a logging truck ahead of me, a mini cooper to the right, and the usual band of idiots trying to make left turns into traffic.  One almost got clobbered and the oncoming traffic didn't stop.

It felt like a major jig saw puzzle to me.  Each vehicle had its place And if they were attempting to fit into another slot, one in which they didn't belong, they wouldn't fit.  And of course, then there would be consequences.   I uttered a silent prayer that I would stay on my path and fit where I was destined to be... and not have some other piece of hardware try to occupy my space in that moment.

Vehicles (well, drivers) don't always appreciate the laws of physics or energy.  While energy can merge and blend, isn't there a law of physics that says two solid objects can't occupy the same space at the same time? 

I got past the icky part of the trip and headed to campus, blissfully aware of the thinner traffic now that spring break is in progress.   It became a peaceful start to the day.  

May we all find our place in the puzzle....

A Glimmer....

...of light.

There was still a glimmer of daylight on the horizon when I left yoga practice tonight at 645.  Spring is coming.  It was almost 50 degrees outside and I could smell spring in the air.  I had to pause for a deep breath of the fresh air.

It's been an easy winter as far as weather is concerned.  We had only one major storm, only two really bad days for driving... the rest have been brief warm short-lasting bursts of snow.  I'm so not a winter person, so this has been an easy one.  But the short days always make me feel sort of down and blue and tired.  Some of the energy is coming back.

Another darkness is resolving, as my primary Sivananda teacher will be headed back this week.  He's been gone four months and I've missed him tremendously.  We've talked a few times and emailed and texted, but so much has happened and changed within ... I've missed his amazing compassionate spirit and willing ear.  We already have a session scheduled for the week he gets back...

A light at the end of the tunnel...  spring is coming... again.  Shanti Om.

Ashram....

.... inside my head.

Seems there is a lot going on right now.  Work is super busy, students with colds/sore throats/sinus infections (no flu yet... we're crossing our fingers).  Big brew-ha-ha with my nurses' association, lots of secrecy and back handedness going on.  I'm not happy with that at all.  And a big campus production this weekend of Eve Ensler's Vagina Monologues (and I'm on stage this year)....  so I've been feeling pulled in many directions.  

One of the things I brought back from the ashram was a CD of the chants they sing daily.  I so loved the kirtan sessions, even tho I wasn't always sure what I was singing or how to pronounce the words.  There is something about the energy of the music and syllables that spoke to me on a very deep level.   The CD can still take me back to those sessions.  I play it in the car and sing along.  I play it in my office and let the words send their calming energy to my surroundings.

Today, we had students 20 deep waiting for urgent care, my appts were full and I had a student trainer in tow.   And a yoga class at 530.  I got out at 5 and headed across town to class.  Traffic was clogged and I could feel my anxiety rising, not to mention that deep seated anger at stupid drivers (not me, of course!).  I popped the CD in, and sang along with whatever chant came up... and in the 20 minutes it took me to get to the east side of town, I felt much calmer.  Class was slow and deliberate and wonderful.   What was even better was being able to sit down, cross my legs and start to breathe deeply and feel the stress melt away. 

It occurred to me that I can carry the ashram with me.  During savasana, I felt like I was back in the Yoga Hall, feeling the quiet and the sense of peace.   Now the trick is to keep it going.....

Big-G....

...little-g-od.

I had a strange collection of dreams last night.  That happens when I really tired and have too many blankets on the bed.  The first was about a man trying to attack me as a I left a party (why is the image of a fenced-off graveyard so vivid?).  He was dressed in a law enforcement uniform and said something about feeling my openness so he tried to attack "gently."  As he neared my face, I bit him on the nose.  And got away and woke up.  It was 1:14 AM.

Then there was another disturbing dream later on... now I don't remember it.   But after the second, I could not go back to sleep.  It was about 3:30 AM.  So I started chanting (silently because it turns off the reverberations of disturbing thoughts and dreams) the chant of Ganesha, Om Gum Ganapatayi Namaha.  Ganesha is the remover of obstacles.  He's one of the deities to whom I feel a special connection.  After a while, the dream faded. 

I thought back to an email conversation I've been having with my yoga teacher (who is still home recovering)....  he had asked me, during one of our sessions, what would it be like if no one needed me?  That set me back on my heels since I'm just past the 40 year mark of professional nursing.   That question has haunted me, pushed me, and brought me discomfort and joy in the same moment.  So it tied into my prayers to Ganesha and in my mind, I heard/felt a question/plea to Ganesha:  Show me where I need to be.

And immediately, in the stillness of night, there was an answer:  In the presence of God.

Yikes.  Not.What.I.Wanted.To.Hear.

I have a love/hate relationship with Big-G-little-g-o-d.  A lot of it stems from an abusive relationship that evolved in a fundamentalist church group (yes, the minister was banging most of the women in the group, his widow still is in denial about that), and the control and hypocrisy I see in most christian churches.  Certainly the infiltration of the religious right into the current republican party has furthered my distrust and skepticism.   

I'm much more comfortable with the thought of a feminine mother goddess than a uber-christian-paternalistic-punitive-masculine-god.  So this answer played on my mind until I fell asleep.

Now in the light of morning, I'm still contemplating what the answer means and where my relationship with the Divine is taking me.  Certainly the ashram experience was part of the path, and now, several months later, the experience has tempered into fond memories and the acknowledgement that the anger and angst I felt was all part of the picture.  I want to go back.  

Even writing this is meditative in itself....  it's going to be that kind of day.....  and coincidentally, the feast of Sarasvati, the deity of knowledge... and self-essence.  Perhaps she will be my muse today.....