...little-g-od.
I had a strange collection of dreams last night. That happens when I really tired and have too many blankets on the bed. The first was about a man trying to attack me as a I left a party (why is the image of a fenced-off graveyard so vivid?). He was dressed in a law enforcement uniform and said something about feeling my openness so he tried to attack "gently." As he neared my face, I bit him on the nose. And got away and woke up. It was 1:14 AM.
Then there was another disturbing dream later on... now I don't remember it. But after the second, I could not go back to sleep. It was about 3:30 AM. So I started chanting (silently because it turns off the reverberations of disturbing thoughts and dreams) the chant of Ganesha, Om Gum Ganapatayi Namaha. Ganesha is the remover of obstacles. He's one of the deities to whom I feel a special connection. After a while, the dream faded.
I thought back to an email conversation I've been having with my yoga teacher (who is still home recovering).... he had asked me, during one of our sessions, what would it be like if no one needed me? That set me back on my heels since I'm just past the 40 year mark of professional nursing. That question has haunted me, pushed me, and brought me discomfort and joy in the same moment. So it tied into my prayers to Ganesha and in my mind, I heard/felt a question/plea to Ganesha: Show me where I need to be.
And immediately, in the stillness of night, there was an answer: In the presence of God.
Yikes. Not.What.I.Wanted.To.Hear.
I have a love/hate relationship with Big-G-little-g-o-d. A lot of it stems from an abusive relationship that evolved in a fundamentalist church group (yes, the minister was banging most of the women in the group, his widow still is in denial about that), and the control and hypocrisy I see in most christian churches. Certainly the infiltration of the religious right into the current republican party has furthered my distrust and skepticism.
I'm much more comfortable with the thought of a feminine mother goddess than a uber-christian-paternalistic-punitive-masculine-god. So this answer played on my mind until I fell asleep.
Now in the light of morning, I'm still contemplating what the answer means and where my relationship with the Divine is taking me. Certainly the ashram experience was part of the path, and now, several months later, the experience has tempered into fond memories and the acknowledgement that the anger and angst I felt was all part of the picture. I want to go back.
Even writing this is meditative in itself.... it's going to be that kind of day..... and coincidentally, the feast of Sarasvati, the deity of knowledge... and self-essence. Perhaps she will be my muse today.....
