Breakfast....

...with Buddha.

I am thoroughly and un-apologetically loving this book.  Breakfast with Buddha came across my path thru my audio book service and I can't remember when I've been as enthralled with a book.

The story line is simple.  Otto Ringling, your average middle aged American man, is hoodwinked by his sister to chauffeur a Rinpoche on a journey from the east coast to North Dakota, where Otto must decide what to do with his late parent's farm and estate. The two men travel across the base of the Great Lakes, and while Otto attempts to show the Rinpoche some "American Fun", Rinpoche is quietly modeling and teaching him the ways of Buddhism (altho it's never really stated as such).

The themes of mindfulness, choice, and kindness float thru the pages as the duo experiences "furniture" (miniature) golf (complete with a total know-it-all in their foursome), bowling, and a variety of non-chain eating establishments.  

At one juncture, Otto asks about the "evil" in the world.  Those who choose to rape, kill, break laws, hurt other humans, etc.  And Rinpoche explains that those downtrodden souls are in practice for their next lives.  That they are making choices on a moment to moment basis...  Otto later ponders if there are teachers or angels among us... and asks what is the cost if we choose to ignore them

I think of my teacher, back after the illness-induced hiatus, and how well we once again fused in our lessons and picked up where we left off, going deeper with each week into that realm of spirit.  What is the cost if I chose to ignore him and our discussion.  My life is indeed richer since we've worked together and I knew in that moment that I choose to listen, to absorb, to practice all that he has taught me, and to willingly seek the depths of my soul.

I finished the audio book as I came home from work tonight.  Tears streamed down my face as I listened to the final moments of the book.  Tears for Otto who has found his teacher, and who has said Yes.  And reaffirmed my quest, saying Yes as well.

Puzzle...

...pieces.

As I was driving to work this morning, I noticed how there was a literal dance of cars on the main drag.  There was a logging truck ahead of me, a mini cooper to the right, and the usual band of idiots trying to make left turns into traffic.  One almost got clobbered and the oncoming traffic didn't stop.

It felt like a major jig saw puzzle to me.  Each vehicle had its place And if they were attempting to fit into another slot, one in which they didn't belong, they wouldn't fit.  And of course, then there would be consequences.   I uttered a silent prayer that I would stay on my path and fit where I was destined to be... and not have some other piece of hardware try to occupy my space in that moment.

Vehicles (well, drivers) don't always appreciate the laws of physics or energy.  While energy can merge and blend, isn't there a law of physics that says two solid objects can't occupy the same space at the same time? 

I got past the icky part of the trip and headed to campus, blissfully aware of the thinner traffic now that spring break is in progress.   It became a peaceful start to the day.  

May we all find our place in the puzzle....

A Glimmer....

...of light.

There was still a glimmer of daylight on the horizon when I left yoga practice tonight at 645.  Spring is coming.  It was almost 50 degrees outside and I could smell spring in the air.  I had to pause for a deep breath of the fresh air.

It's been an easy winter as far as weather is concerned.  We had only one major storm, only two really bad days for driving... the rest have been brief warm short-lasting bursts of snow.  I'm so not a winter person, so this has been an easy one.  But the short days always make me feel sort of down and blue and tired.  Some of the energy is coming back.

Another darkness is resolving, as my primary Sivananda teacher will be headed back this week.  He's been gone four months and I've missed him tremendously.  We've talked a few times and emailed and texted, but so much has happened and changed within ... I've missed his amazing compassionate spirit and willing ear.  We already have a session scheduled for the week he gets back...

A light at the end of the tunnel...  spring is coming... again.  Shanti Om.

Ashram....

.... inside my head.

Seems there is a lot going on right now.  Work is super busy, students with colds/sore throats/sinus infections (no flu yet... we're crossing our fingers).  Big brew-ha-ha with my nurses' association, lots of secrecy and back handedness going on.  I'm not happy with that at all.  And a big campus production this weekend of Eve Ensler's Vagina Monologues (and I'm on stage this year)....  so I've been feeling pulled in many directions.  

One of the things I brought back from the ashram was a CD of the chants they sing daily.  I so loved the kirtan sessions, even tho I wasn't always sure what I was singing or how to pronounce the words.  There is something about the energy of the music and syllables that spoke to me on a very deep level.   The CD can still take me back to those sessions.  I play it in the car and sing along.  I play it in my office and let the words send their calming energy to my surroundings.

Today, we had students 20 deep waiting for urgent care, my appts were full and I had a student trainer in tow.   And a yoga class at 530.  I got out at 5 and headed across town to class.  Traffic was clogged and I could feel my anxiety rising, not to mention that deep seated anger at stupid drivers (not me, of course!).  I popped the CD in, and sang along with whatever chant came up... and in the 20 minutes it took me to get to the east side of town, I felt much calmer.  Class was slow and deliberate and wonderful.   What was even better was being able to sit down, cross my legs and start to breathe deeply and feel the stress melt away. 

It occurred to me that I can carry the ashram with me.  During savasana, I felt like I was back in the Yoga Hall, feeling the quiet and the sense of peace.   Now the trick is to keep it going.....

Big-G....

...little-g-od.

I had a strange collection of dreams last night.  That happens when I really tired and have too many blankets on the bed.  The first was about a man trying to attack me as a I left a party (why is the image of a fenced-off graveyard so vivid?).  He was dressed in a law enforcement uniform and said something about feeling my openness so he tried to attack "gently."  As he neared my face, I bit him on the nose.  And got away and woke up.  It was 1:14 AM.

Then there was another disturbing dream later on... now I don't remember it.   But after the second, I could not go back to sleep.  It was about 3:30 AM.  So I started chanting (silently because it turns off the reverberations of disturbing thoughts and dreams) the chant of Ganesha, Om Gum Ganapatayi Namaha.  Ganesha is the remover of obstacles.  He's one of the deities to whom I feel a special connection.  After a while, the dream faded. 

I thought back to an email conversation I've been having with my yoga teacher (who is still home recovering)....  he had asked me, during one of our sessions, what would it be like if no one needed me?  That set me back on my heels since I'm just past the 40 year mark of professional nursing.   That question has haunted me, pushed me, and brought me discomfort and joy in the same moment.  So it tied into my prayers to Ganesha and in my mind, I heard/felt a question/plea to Ganesha:  Show me where I need to be.

And immediately, in the stillness of night, there was an answer:  In the presence of God.

Yikes.  Not.What.I.Wanted.To.Hear.

I have a love/hate relationship with Big-G-little-g-o-d.  A lot of it stems from an abusive relationship that evolved in a fundamentalist church group (yes, the minister was banging most of the women in the group, his widow still is in denial about that), and the control and hypocrisy I see in most christian churches.  Certainly the infiltration of the religious right into the current republican party has furthered my distrust and skepticism.   

I'm much more comfortable with the thought of a feminine mother goddess than a uber-christian-paternalistic-punitive-masculine-god.  So this answer played on my mind until I fell asleep.

Now in the light of morning, I'm still contemplating what the answer means and where my relationship with the Divine is taking me.  Certainly the ashram experience was part of the path, and now, several months later, the experience has tempered into fond memories and the acknowledgement that the anger and angst I felt was all part of the picture.  I want to go back.  

Even writing this is meditative in itself....  it's going to be that kind of day.....  and coincidentally, the feast of Sarasvati, the deity of knowledge... and self-essence.  Perhaps she will be my muse today.....

Back on the...

...mat.

I finally made it to yoga class tonight.  The studio has certainly gone thru a lot of teachers since mine has been gone.  The first, while she claimed that her primary practice was Sivananda, was NOT a true Sivananda teacher.   She had stuff in all the wrong order and it just doesn't work that way in my mind (and come to find out, many others).  I think she has been dismissed. 

Since being home from the ashram, I've had command performance holiday parties on every night that yoga is offered.  The new sub is good, I finally went tonight.  It felt good but oh my goodness, three weeks without a structured practice really made me feel it.

I still long for the calm of my teacher.  He is getting better, but still at home, healing.  We've talked often.  At the end tonight, I felt very connected to him.  I could feel activity in my third eye....a gentle pressure that was both reassuring and tender.

Tomorrow is the Winter Solstice.  The light returns.  Candles are gently glowing as I write this.  A sense of calm pervades.  I felt very anxious going to class tonight.  But now I feel a renewal beginning...

Om Shanti...  

Ups....

...and downs.

Winter is not my favorite season.  I put up with it because the rest of the year here is so glorious.  So now, we have snow and ice and cruddy roads and short days.  I'll perk up after the Winter Solstice, but for now, its purely the blahs.

But I push on.   I haven't been to a yoga class since I got home.  I do meditate and I breathe, but I've got to get back into my routine (when the roads are ok).... and I've had some good chats with my teacher.  His health is improving, thankfully. 

In the midst of the blahs, and out of the blue, I got an email from a former patient of mine.  She came in with chronic pain which was not being dealt with... except with increasing prescriptions of narcotics.  We had the long chat about long term use, and I had given her a copy of our contract for controlled substances to take home and read.  She came back the next day in tears, asking to speak to me, and tearfully related that she had never been fully informed of all the side efffects and long term issues.  Together, we planned a schedule to wean her off the meds, and she did it.

I've run into her from time to time... and today's email brought tears to my eyes.  She is still in pain, but using medications wisely and getting the appropriate treatments.  And now, after several years of living in a woman's shelter, she is on her own and teaching workshops in budgeting in the public schools.  She is empowered.  And she wrote to thank me for believing in her all those years ago.  Now she believes it too.

So while its snowing and grey outside, a bit of sunshine arrived in my email box.  I'm so very proud of her!

We never know who we touch.